A New Chapter

Today I am going to my first appointment at REACH, a local fertility clinic. I am excited and nervous and anxious...but mostly excited! It feels like we are starting all over again and I have so much hope. What will the doctor tell me? What treatments will he recommend? We are one step closer to having our dreams come true. When will a baby come?!

I was just reading my Bible a few minutes ago in Jonah.  Part of the commentary on some of the verses said this:
"Jonah met a God-appointed worm, with a God-appointed task, at a God-appointed time, to yield God appointed results. God CHOOSES us, gives us a job at an appropriate time, and promises victory."
How can you not smile when you read that? He is in control and He chose me and He will bring me through this journey with victory!

Only a few more hours until my appointment!! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. :)

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I started this blog.
A year ago today I didn't think anyone would even read this blog, much less comment on it or follow it!
A year ago today I was certain that, "This time next year, I'll have a baby or at least be pregnant, and I won't be writing on this blog."
A year ago today I didn't think I'd actually be infertile.
A year ago today I didn't know some of the amazing people I've met in this journey: friends who've encouraged me and who I've been able to encourage and bloggers who I don't personally know but whose stories inspire me.
A year ago today I didn't know God's love like I do now.  I thought I did, but I had no idea.
A year ago today I didn't know I'd have days where my tears wouldn't stop and days when I couldn't stop smiling because of the peace and assurance from my Lord that a promised child is coming!
A year ago today I didn't love my husband like I do now.  Our relationship has only strengthened in this trial.
A year ago today I didn't think I'd STILL be taking Metformin.
A year ago today when my doctor mentioned using Clomid, I didn't think I'd actually ever use it.
A year ago today I didn't dream of making an appointment with a fertility specialist.  I didn't need that.
A year ago today I wasn't who I am now.  I'm stronger.  Better.  Infertile?  Yes.  Defeated?  No.

No Soliciting

Why is it that when you share a struggle with people they want to give you 'advice' that you didn't ask for? (And before I go any further, I'm sure I've been guilty of it in the past, but after experiencing infertility I'm not going to do it anymore!) I've had people tell me everything from 'just don't think about it' to 'it'll happen when you stop trying' (REALLY, because I thought you actually had to have sex to get pregnant!), and my ever favorite one, 'you can just adopt.' I even had one lady who told me, "You know how to fix that problem right? Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant." Seriously?! You should really let the specialists know that you've found the cure all for infertility...adoption! I've also been given the wonderful advice on which positions are best and about putting pillows under your butt afterwards...even propping your feet up on the wall. Golly gee whiz I can't wait to try your methods so I can get pregnant tonight! Grrrr, people really don't get it. And this is why I don't share my infertility with people. Because I don't want their stupid, unsolicited advice. And I don't want to be asked every couple of weeks how "things" are going.  Unless you are infertile too, don't ask me because you don't get it. You don't understand what it's like to find out that everyone else is pregnant, including the people who weren't trying and didn't want it!

Bad day. No, I take that back. Bad week...

The Clomid Crazies

This round of Clomid really threw my hormones out of whack! I started taking it last Wednesday and felt the moodiness by Thursday afternoon. Let's just say I didn't have the most wonderful Thanksgiving.  I took 50 mg, for two months, and didn't have any bad side effects on my moods. I was pleasantly surprised because I had talked to a few people who told me that it gave them terrible mood swings, which I'm affectionately calling 'the Clomid crazies'. :)  So this month I took 75 mg., but I never thought that 25 mg could make such a different on how it affected me. I was like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I was crying, the next I was mad at my husband for breathing too loud, and the next I was just down-in-the-dumps depressed. It was absolutely awful. And I tried my best to control it, but it was next to impossible. Thank goodness my husband realized that the meds were really messing with my hormones and he didn't take my craziness to heart. I don't know if I can handle another month of it! Especially not if I have to take higher dosages.

I decided to take it this month to see if it would work because I've noticed a pattern with my cycle since the summer. I skipped June, then had a period in July and August. Then I skipped September and got a period in October and November. So that would mean (maybe) that I would skip this month. So I want to see if the Clomid is even really working or if the one time I got good results from progesterone levels was just coincidence. If I don't ovulate this month, then the Clomid is obviously not working. Which means that we'll be seeing a specialist when the new year rolls around. Actually, we'll still probably see a specialist even if the Clomid works! My regular OB just doesn't seem to be concerned about me not being able to get pregnant. I want to go to a doctor who cares and will do whatever he can to help me and not just throw meds at me.

Anyway, the Clomid crazies are coming to an end, and this afternoon I started to feel a little more like myself and less on edge and moody. Thank goodness!

Just Send Me a Text!

I've often joked about how I wish God would just send me a text or call me and let me know how things are going to turn out. :) Well, this week I believe he did just that. 


Here's how it all started...
Wednesday, mid-morning, I noticed very light spotting. Great. My period was coming. I was crushed, absolutely crushed. I was certain that this might be the month. And it's been a long time since I've felt that way. Recently, I've been glad to at least get my period because then I knew my body was functioning. Not this time. The sadness that welled up inside me was unexplainable. I was just sad and broken. I cried the whole way home from work. More recently when I've gotten upset about this journey my first response is to become angry and mad and question God. But Wednesday afternoon was different. I didn't ask why and I wasn't even mad. Just hurt. Tears streamed down my face and I wanted to curl up on my couch and sleep for the rest of the evening.  

No one gets it. No one understands. 
I do, however, have one amazing friend (I'll call her A) who I share everything with. She gets it. She understands. She's been there and done that. I can be open and honest with her without feeling judged and know she cares for me. And I couldn't wait to email her on Thursday morning and tell her all about my heartbreak...especially because just 2 days before, I had sent an email to tell her I thought this may be the month! 

Thursday morning I arrived at school early to do morning duty. At 7:00 as I'm turning on my computer my phone begins to vibrate. It's A calling. At 7:00?! We don't talk on the phone all that often, and especially not at 7 am. My first reaction was panic, wondering if everything was okay. When I answered the phone I could hear excitement in her voice. As she talked I realized she was excited about something for me. Weird. She tells me that when she woke up I was on her mind. That when she read from her Bible the story reminded her of me. She was so excited that she couldn't wait to send our daily emails, she just felt the need to call right then! The story A read came from Luke about a boy who was blind. People were questioning Jesus as to why he was blind. Was it his parent's fault? Was it his fault? Jesus told them HE made him that way. For a purpose. And I've been made my way (infertile) for a purpose. As we continued to talk, A shared with me that she felt certain that God had a purpose in all this for me. That I would have a testimony one day and be healed and we'd be rejoicing over my children one day. She felt the Lord telling her that...about me! Then, as she was getting in her car to leave for work, she heard another message on the radio through a song. MY song, as we like to call it. 'While I'm Waiting' was playing on the radio and A said she felt that was God's assurance that my blessings are coming. There is a promise yet fulfilled. The most amazing part of this story to me is that she didn't even know about how I was feeling the day before when I realized that this wasn't the month. She didn't know I was hurting and needed words of encouragement. In fact, the last she knew was that I thought I could be pregnant. Now you tell me that God didn't see my pain and give her that message to give to me! 

So I finally got my phone call from God that I've been asking for. :)  Only He sent A to be His voice. I don't think I could've gotten a clearer message. If it would've been a dream, a scripture, a song, even a daily devotion emailed to me, I'd question it. I'd find some way to rationalize it in my head as a coincidence. Not this time. It was too perfect; a true God moment.

Childless is not Less

I was reading in my Bible a few minutes ago and came across a reading with the topic 'Infertility'. So of course I read it. Here is part of what it said:

"Infertility is defined by the medical community as the inability to achieve pregnancy after a year or more of regular sexual relations without contraception or the inability to carry repeated pregnancies to live birth. About 15 percent of all married couples today are infertile. Although there are numerous causes of infertility in women and men, medical advances have made it possible to diagnose and treat many of them. Still, some couples remain childless despite years of treatment. A couple's decision to manage the timing of conception, pursue fertility measures, or adopt a child is a responsibility they share before God, the Author of life. 'Childless' is not 'less' if that is God's perfect will for a couple."

So on those days when people try to give you unsolicited advice or make rude and hurtful comments about your choices in creating a family, remember that you only answer to one...God. And the best part is He is in control anyway! Stay strong. :)

How Rude!

Sometimes I tell my students at school to use their common sense. Sometimes I tell them that common sense is not so common. They're kids, so I give them a break. But adults?! I mean seriously, common sense is NOT so common among them (us) it seems. If you know that someone is battling infertility, the first question you ask them after 4 months since you last saw them should not be 'So, are you pregnant yet?' Aghhhhh! I'm just going to say it...people are stupid! Why in the world would you ask me that???  I think the look on my face, while I was politely trying to say 'No, not yet', said it all.  I wouldn't dream of going up to someone who was battling cancer and asking them, "So, are you cured yet?" Think people, THINK!!! There should be some rule that you are not allowed to talk to someone about their struggles until you've experienced it yourself. I've said it before, but if there is one thing I've learned from infertility it's to think before I speak.

His Will

This weekend I took my group of teenage girls from church to Myrtle Beach for a conference. The weather was perfect, we stayed right on the beach, and it was just beautiful! In fact, when I woke up Saturday morning I saw this beautiful sunrise.
                                       
                                    

I thought this would be the perfect time for me to really "forget" about conceiving.  And we are still taking a break from using meds and OPKs and pretty much thinking about it in general, but lets face it...it's pretty difficult to completely put out of your mind. :)  Instead, I thought about it more this weekend than I have in the past month!  Even at a convention for teenage girls, there were babies or talk of babies.  I began to feel less like a woman.  I'm at this point where I feel that my life isn't worth something because I'm not a mom.  Is that crazy? Does anyone else ever feel that way?  And I'm 27, which I thought by now I'd have a child and maybe one on the way!  So I was feeling kind of worthless and even useless.  If I can't be a mom then what's the point?

The focal scripture verses for the week came from Romans 12:1-2 which says, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may be able to prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

Most of the speakers focused on that last part, to not be conformed to the world but transformed and to know that God has a perfect will for our lives. Many times a speaker said something along the lines of, "Are you where you thought you would be?  Are your plans the same as God's plans?"  It made me think about this past year and how MY plan hasn't come to fruition like I PLANNED. :)  But that's just it...it's not about my plan. God has a perfect will for my life and I need to let Him lead and carry out HIS plan. It's not easy. In fact, it is very difficult most days to remember that and to not try to control things and have the perfect plan.

This morning as I read my daily devotion from Proverbs 31 (which by the way is a free daily devotional email and it's very good, so sign up at proverbs31.org), guess what one of the focal verses was? Yep, Romans 12:2. His will is perfect, and I believe the Lord is trying to show me to trust that. I'm just hard headed and stubborn sometimes!

 

Surprise!

No, I'm not pregnant. :) But apparently every other woman in my town is. I just left Target and lost count of the pregnant women. And the other night we went to eat and then to get groceries, and between those two places I saw about 7 big bellies!!!

Anyway, the surprise is Aunt Flo decided to show up today. I didn't even have the usual symptoms: sore breasts, moody, fatigue. Although now that I think about it, I was awfully emotional last weekend and slept horrible 2 nights ago. I always have a restless night of sleep right before my period starts, weird I know. Many women would dread it...but I'm jumping for joy! The best part is I didn't have to take any progesterone. Last time my cycle was this irregular it was 67 days, but this time it's only 49 days. Whoo hoo! So I wondered if I should take my Clomid 75 mg. this time, but I'm pretty sure I won't because I have plans to be out of town around days 14-16 and of course my husband will not be with me. It's a girls only thing. So I'd feel like I was wasting pills if I took them and then couldn't even make the best of our chances. After a year and a half of waiting, what's one more month?! Plus I am so stressed out with work I don't have time to worry about conceiving. (Ok that's kind of a lie, but I am really stressed! :))

Taking a Break

With my not-so-great progesterone results and my missing period, we are taking a break from trying. Not that I still wouldn't be thrilled to get pregnant, but I'm not taking any meds to make me start my period or ovulate. When it comes, it comes. I'm stressed out with work and I don't need the added stress of creating life...or trying to. I wonder what it will be like to have spontaneous, romantic sex again? Haha!! We are just going to enjoy life together and be thankful for all the blessings that we do have. Now, we will eventually start this process again (taking meds, doctor visits, blood draws, tears, negative tests, etc.), but I think we will wait until after the holidays. And I'm actually excited about this. For once in the past year and a half, I don't have to worry about what my body is doing (or in my case, ISN'T doing). That's not to say that I still won't have days where I get emotional and cry when I hear Michael Buble's 'Just Haven't Met You Yet' :), but I hope to have less of those days since my focus will not be on trying to get pregnant.

One more thing I wanted to share. Today at work I was feeling frustrated with some things that were happening, so after I got all of my students taken out to the bus, I came back to my classroom to just pray. I remembered that I had a devotional book for teachers on my bookshelf and I picked it up to read. It has a devotion for every day of the year, and since I'm always super busy at work, I hardly ever read it. So I just asked God that whatever page I turned to would be the words that He wanted me to hear. I immediately got goosebumps all over my body as soon as I asked at, like He was saying ok (and the air was not on in my room, it was actually kind of warm, so the goosebumps weren't from that :)). I read this verse from Galatians 3:

"'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'" (vs. 24)

I just wanted to shout 'YES!'. So I decided to read the whole chapter and I am glad I did. If you get a chance...read it! Even though we walk through tough times, God is still with us. He never leaves us alone. The very next verse (vs. 25) said, "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him." He wants me to rely on Him and come to Him with my needs, desires, problems, requests, and even my complaints! He wants me to seek Him.

One last verse to end with, and it's one of my favorites!
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Now What?

I called my OB office again today and once I was transferred 3 times, I got the results of my blood work. My progesterone level was 0.7. No ovulation. I mean, I kind of already figured that, but hearing it really hit me hard. Of course I was at work, so I had to hold it together. But as soon as I got in the car and left, I lost it. I feel so defeated. Where do I go from here? Do we take a break from trying? Do I go to a specialist?

I ovulated last month on meds, and this month on the same meds nothing happened. I did ask the nurse if I could up my dosage and the doctor actually called me back later and told me to take 75 mg of Clomid during my cycle. Who knows when that will be. So for now I will try my best to enjoy life with just my husband and me. I won't worry about my period coming or not. If it does, I'll take the Clomid. However, if by 2013 things aren't changing, I think I will see a specialist.  

One day all of this WILL be worth it.  

I Need My Lab Work, So Call Me Maybe?!

I had my blood drawn on Monday to check my progesterone levels. So I called today to get results. Do you think I could get anyone to answer the nurse line? No! The second time I called I left a message, despite their outgoing message that said to only leave a message about labs if it's been more than two weeks. Two weeks?!?!? Are they crazy? By then I'll have started my next period (hopefully, or maybe not if I'm pregnant...which I doubt) and will have needed to start my Clomid again. If I didn't ovulate, then I need to ask the doctor to up my dosage or something! I am so frustrated with them. Granted, they are not specialists, but still!!! No one wants to wait 2 weeks to find out whether or not they ovulated, especially if they are trying to get pregnant. I kept my phone on the rest of the day and planned on answering it even if I was in the middle of teaching. Do you think they called back? No! And here's the kicker, they close early on Fridays now...which is tomorrow. I will not have a chance to call until at least 10:30.  I plan on writing a letter to the office manager to complain. Even last time I had my progesterone checked (even though I called and got results in 2 days) they didn't call ME back until 2 weeks after that. I was already on day 5 of my period! Ridiculous.

So now I'm really leaning heavily toward seeing a specialist. At least they might have more courtesy and at least ACT like they care. 

No Smileys :(

Today is day 18-ish ("ish" because my period was weird and I don't know what to consider my actual start date) and my expensive OPK has still not shown a smiley face. So no ovulation. :(  That's about how I feel right now. Just sad and frustrated and disheartened and everything else that comes with infertility. I will still have to go in for a progesterone draw, so maybe after the results come back they will bump me up to 100 mg of Clomid.

Nest Before Eggs

Back in June, when my husband and I were headed to the beach, I heard this phrase on the radio. Nest before eggs. The lady who was speaking was referring to a Narnia book that she had been listening to, and this particular phrase caught her attention.  She began to tell of how she felt like it was God speaking to her, telling her that He was building her nest, twig by twig, before He filled it with eggs. Apparently her newborn daughter was born with special needs and she was frustrated and asking God to just fix it. Then she heard that phrase, 'nest before eggs'. Then I heard that phrase. :)

It gets better.

When we got to the beach, we were unpacking in the room and I noticed a bird flying around outside at the balcony. Later, I went out there to sit and the bird reappeared. She just sat on the ledge of the balcony next to ours and looked at me. I thought to myself, "She must have a nest somewhere near here." So I began to look around.  I saw nothing. I looked under the table, under the air conditioning unit, in the corner...everywhere! There was no nest to be seen. But she kept coming back and trying to get on our balcony, but was too afraid with me out there. The next morning I woke up early (I couldn't sleep) and I decided to go out on the balcony and read my Bible. I wasn't out there for 20 minutes when that bird showed up again. This time, I sat very still and quiet. I noticed she had three tiny worms in her mouth, so I was determined to watch her to see where this nest was. Eventually she flew up into the corner of the balcony to a very small hole in the wall that was made for a pipe to run through. Her nest was in the wall!! For the next 30 minutes I sat and watched her fly in and out of that hole, bringing food to her babies. I immediately thought of the phrase I had heard on the radio the previous day, 'nest before eggs'. Maybe God was showing me that He is building my nest, twig by twig, getting it ready to be filled with eggs (literally, haha!). 

It gets EVEN better. 

The hotel we were staying in was u-shaped, so from the balcony, I was able to see all the other balconies. I began to look around at the 200+ balconies, and I noticed that NO other balcony had this pipe coming out of the wall!! I know you think I'm crazy right now, but I'm serious. Not a single other balcony had this hole in the wall. None of them could've had this bird's nest!  Now I was certain that the Lord was speaking to me. First of all, I never listen to what the DJs have to say on the radio and I heard every word of her commentary on 'nest before eggs'. Then, there is a bird nest on our balcony...and no other balcony in the entire hotel has this hole where this bird could've made her nest. Wow. 

I spent a lot of time the rest of that week watching the birds fly in and out of that hole to deliver food to their babies. And I KNOW, without a doubt, that God was telling me, "Nest before eggs, Jessica. Just wait." 

Ding, Ding, Ding- Round Two

No babies this month. I started my second round of Clomid 50 mg on Monday...my birthday. Which is also the day that I had to take a pregnancy test (negative) because my period was so off and weird, and when I called the nurse she suggested doing that just in case. Then she tells me to just go on with my normal routine of taking Clomid starting day 3 (eventhough my period was strange and spotty), but that I could be pregnant and it was too early to tell. Lady, it's day 34 (or CD 3?)!!! No way is it "too early" to test. Seriously, I don't know how nurses can be so unhelpful sometimes! So needless to say, it's not how I envisioned my 27th birthday. In fact, a few years ago I would have said, "I'll have kids or be pregnant by the time I'm 27." That WAS my goal. Of course I still technically have this whole year to meet the "be pregnant at 27" part. Now my goal is simple...get pregnant. Easier said than done. I did get a little upset thinking about how old my mom was by the time she had my sister and me. 27.  So here I am, the same age as her when she was DONE having kids, and I haven't gotten started.  Oh well. Age is just a number, and when I finally meet my little one that God is working so hard on perfecting, I won't care how old I am...but I would like it to be sooner than later. :)

I Don't Feel Sorry for You

Dear 8 1/2 Months Pregnant Lady,

Yes, I realize it is the middle of August and it's slightly hot.  Yes, I see your insanely large belly protruding, and yes I see you rubbing it with a look of agony on your face. I hope you don't expect sympathy from me, because you're not getting any.  I don't feel bad for you because you have life growing in your womb.  I don't feel bad for you because you weren't even trying, and I don't feel bad for you because this is your fourth child and your hands are full. Nope. No sympathy from me. 

Still Not Pregnant YET,

Jessica

And the results are...

I ovulated! Yayayayayayay!!!!!!!!! :)  I actually called yesterday and they said the nurse line was closed (grrr) so I had to wait until this morning. As soon as I woke up I called. I asked her what the number was and she said it was 10.3. The nurse told me anything over a 6 is a good indication of ovulation. So that's good. Pretty sure I'm not pregnant with a low number like that, but that is okay with me. I just wanted to be sure I was at least ovulating!! I can't get pregnant without that.  Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. <3

Progesterone Check

Well, the day FINALLY arrived. I went to the doctor this morning to get my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated. I was calm when I woke up this morning (surprisingly!) but when I got there I was super anxious. I don't know why. It's not like I have anything to do with whether or not I ovulate! Anyway, as the lab tech was sticking me with the needle, literally as SOON as the needle pierced my vein, the song 'Just Haven't Met You Yet' came on!

Now, let me back up a couple weeks.

About 2 weeks ago I was feeling really down, the worst I've felt during this journey. So a friend of mine from church made me a CD to help cheer me up. She tried to put songs that would uplift me and encourage me, including 'Just Haven't Met You Yet'.  He are a few of my favorite lines from the song:

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, the other half's luck.
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet.

I'm pretty sure the song is about finding love, but when I hear it I think about meeting my future child. That's what it means to me. :)  So when it came on as she was drawing my blood, I almost cried right there! But I held it together until I was driving home. I joke with one of my fertility friends that it's a good thing we can't get pulled over for driving while crying (DWC), because I'd be in big trouble, haha!!

I guess these next couple days I will be sitting by the phone like a teenage girl waiting for a boy to call while I wait for the results of my blood work.

Facebook

aka Fertilebook.  I've been really good, not getting on so I don't have to endure seeing all the pregnant bellies and newborn pictures. Until today. I caved and literally the first 10-15 posts on my news feed were of new babies or very pregnant bellies. 4 friends have had children in the past month and 2 more are due any day now. Of course I'm happy for them, just sad for me. :(  And I know one day I'll post a picture of my belly and baby, but for now it hurts to see it. But I WON'T post every little detail because no one cares that much. No one cares that your back hurts and that you are so hot and should've timed your pregnancy better so you wouldn't be enduring the summer heat with an extra 30 pounds! No one cares that you threw up 3 times today. No one cares that your baby won't drink apple juice. And no one cares that I'm infertile. I wish I had your 'problems'. Now that I got that off my chest, I'm going to post on FB :)..."Guess who's not pregnant? Me!"

Please keep your seat belts fastened until the ride has come to a complete stop!

Whew! I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride for the past few weeks.  My emotions have been up then down then back up.  It's crazy!  First of all a few weeks back I was at the highest of my highs on this journey so far.  I felt at peace and comforted, like everything was going to work out fine.  Then this past weekend I hit rock bottom.  The lowest of my lows by far.  I didn't even get off the couch for an entire day.  All I could do was cry and I felt like there was no hope, like I'll never have a baby.  Thank God for friends! I have an amazing one who has lifted me to the Lord in prayers many times these past few days and I could feel it.  She kept encouraging me and giving me verses from the Bible.  Then today as I was driving to the mall I heard someone speaking about infertility on the radio.  She was saying that a friend had gotten pregnant and she was still struggling with the bitter and jealous feelings.  She spoke about God's grace and how we can be happy (without the bitterness and jealousy) for others when good things happen to them.  THEN the very next song that came on the radio was "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I never hear that song and I listen to that station all the time. :)  It was like God was speaking right to me!!!

So I wanted to share my RENEWED hope with all of you who are struggling to conceive.  It does get tough and it will knock you down.  It may even break you.  But God is there to pick you back up and put your pieces back together.  Cry out to Him! He hears you and will answer.  Maybe not in the timing you want or in the way you want, but He is faithful.

Long Time No Post

It's good to be back home!! I've been in Pennsylvania on a mission trip with my church...no wi-fi. I realized how much time I spend online after being without for a week :) It was good for me though. For a while, I actually forgot I was infertile. Then as soon as we got home, it hit me. Back to reality. Facing all the people who know and are wondering, "Is she pregnant yet?" At least that's what I think they're saying in their heads. So even after coming back from an amazing trip of doing God's work, I'm feeling blah today. Just down in the dumps.

On another note, I started taking Clomid 50mg on Friday. I've been feeling dizzy from it, but it's starting to subside. I've also been a little moody, but I don't know if that's actually from the meds or just things that have happened in the past few days putting me in a bad mood. I pray that the Clomid will work this first time and I'll see the two pink lines that I've longed for.

A friend of mine sent me this quote, cliche but true:
"Nothing worth doing is ever easy, but one day it'll all be worth it."

Clomid, Metformin, Provera...Oh My!

I wonder what goes through the pharmacist's head when I go to get my prescriptions filled. This time I got 3! She's probably thinking, "poor girl", because she was really nice to me and the tone in her voice was kind of an "I'm so sorry" tone. I couldn't help but to laugh a little, to myself, at carrying out three prescriptions, all of which are supposed to help me ovulate! When I was first diagnosed with PCOS I did a lot of "research" (aka Googling things that came to mind and reading forums!) and heard of all these drugs, but I never thought I would actually be taking them...ALL. Hopefully the side effects won't be too terribly bad. Pray for us that the combination of these meds will help result in a little bundle of joy. :) And I'll be glad to pray for you too, just leave your request as a comment!

A Little Fertility Humor to Lighten the Load

I found this blog and wanted to share it!

999reasonstolaugh.com

It's so funny. :) I literally laugh out loud at many of the comments. Instead of crying, now when I have a bad day I'm going to this site. Not that it takes away the pain, but it reminds me of the crazy things that only infertile women get to experience...and it's funny! I couldn't stop reading it earlier today. Oh, did I mention that it's funny?! Haha, enjoy.

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

I'm angry. Ticked off. Confused. Frustrated. Just plain mad. 50 days and NO period. What the heck is going on?! I mean, we were on the right track with the Metformin and my Clomid prescription, which is just stuck to my fridge waiting to be filled. Now...nothing. I seriously feel like we are back at square one, just like last year when I came off birth control and never got a period. And no, I'm not pregnant. I've seen 3 single pink lines in the past 3 weeks. So I guess I'll be calling and visiting the doctor yet again. This time he'll give me Provera to start my period. I already know what they're going to do. I could be an OB doctor at this point. I have more knowledge about this stuff than I ever thought I would. I wish I didn't. Now I just worry I won't ovulate, even with the Clomid. I know it's not for me to worry about, but I'm just in one of those moods today where I want to complain and be down about this infertility crap! I'm just blah...

5 Years and Counting

This post is dedicated to my husband on our five year anniversary. I love you!

 First of all, I have the best man ever, and I hope all you ladies think yours is the best, but MINE is. :) He has been my rock through all of this infertility junk. He's been my shoulder to cry on, my friend to laugh with, my adviser to help make decisions, even the housekeeper when I've been too tired or worn down to clean. And best of all, he is a man of God. His faith is so strong and has taught me more about trusting the Lord with EVERY part of my life. He never gets tired of my infertility talk, or at least he doesn't make it known. He just comforts me with his love and support. I've always known that we were perfect for each other, our personalities are so alike yet different. Whatever I lack he makes up for! But after facing infertility, I see even more how God had a perfect plan when he put us together...way back in high school! (middle school if you count the "boyfriend/girlfriend", parents take us to the movies, talk on the phone 'til midnight stuff) Anyway, I can't wait to see what the next five years brings us. Hopefully children, but we shall see! Whatever it is, we're in it together.

 "Love is patient, love is kind...it it not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5,7-8

Father's Day

I said I was letting go, and I am...but it still hurts some days.  Yesterday was a little tough to endure, with it being Father's Day, and the fact that my period has still not made an appearance (day 37 of my cycle!) is a little disappointing. Saturday is our 5 year anniversary and Jonathan wants me to take a test.  He's holding out hope that I may be pregnant and that it would be great to find out on our anniversary, but I'm not expecting too much.  It sounds negative, but it's just how I keep myself from being hurt.  If I don't have the expectation, then it won't be as painful.

So yesterday in church they of course recognized all the fathers, which is great because they deserve to be recognized!  I was doing good-no crying and no feeling sad. During the sermon, however, I wasn't so good.  The speaker (not our pastor since he was out of town at a conference) began to name men in the church who act as fathers to young boys who may not have that figure in the home.  He mentioned my husband.  Then he used the word "daddy" to describe him and the other men.  My heart broke.  Tears filled my eyes at the thought of my husband being such good daddy material, but yet unable to have someone call him that.  He is so amazing and would be the best father I could ever imagine for our children to have! I want that so bad for him and I can't help feeling that it's my fault.  After all, it is my body that is "broken".  For the rest of the sermon it was difficult to focus.  Honestly, I didn't want to.  I didn't want to hear all the things about being a father or the personal stories of joy from fatherhood.  Unfortunately I did hear more.  He made a comment about how when kids turn about 3, you wish you could give them back and get a refund.  Something along those lines.  Anyway, it was meant to be funny and most everyone laughed.  Except me.  I didn't find it funny.         To hear parents say things about giving their kids away (of course in good humor) angers me! If they only knew.  The difficulties we've endured of seeing one pink line month after month, doctor appointments, timed (unromantic!) sex, waiting and wondering during that 2 week time period, and tears of heartache and disappointment.  I'll never say those things about my child.  When this baby does finally arrive I will gladly take every bad day and rejoice in the fact that I have such a gift!

So my prayer yesterday was that by next Father's Day I (and all of my mommy-in-waiting friends) will have a baby (or babies!!) to hold.  

"Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you."  Matthew 7:7

The Next Steps

I went to see my new doctor yesterday and I already love him! He made me feel so comfortable and really explained things to me AND answered all of my many questions without getting annoyed or writing me off as crazy. :) He seems to think the next logical step to take is using Clomid. By the way my body has reacted to the metformin and the blood work they've done, he says that's our best option right now. So part of me is apprehensive because he said that he is sure I am ovulating because of my regular cycles and the spike in my BBT, but the timing is just not consistent from month to month, which means we are basically just hoping to have sex on the right day each month. We're playing a guessing game. In a way, I want to just keep trying on our own instead of trying to intervene, like Sarah in the Bible when she told Abraham to sleep with her maidservant, Hagar, since she herself couldn't give Abraham a baby. And things didn't turn out so great in that situation because it wasn't God's plan. On the other hand, I feel like taking the Clomid would just help to regulate me, not necessarily get me pregnant. It would help us determine when I'm ovulating for sure to give us a better chance. And then from there if that doesn't work, we may know that there is something more serious going on. I DON'T KNOW!!! I never thought I would have any hang-ups about this, that I would just do whatever it took to have a baby. Tentatively, the hubs and I talked and we are going to try once more on our own and if nothing happens I will start the Clomid during my July/August cycle. But who knows...I may change my mind yet again.

Letting Go

Hmmm, where do I begin? First of all I've had no signs of ovulation (basal body temperature or tests strips) and it's day 24 of my cycle. Secondly, I decided to take a pregnancy test to make sure that's why I haven't ovulated. One pink line. Thirdly, I called my OB's office and made a consultative appointment with a NEW doctor who specializes in infertility. It was a pretty rough morning/afternoon. I even burst into tears as I hung up the phone from making the appt. because I felt so defeated. Making that appt. meant I was admitting that I needed assistance in conceiving, and I was so sure we could do it on our own. :(

But a few minutes ago I was reading my book, "Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby?", and read about giving up control and surrendering my desires to God's will. I've prayed before about it and said I surrendered, but I picked it right back up. Today is going to be different! I am letting go. There is ultimately nothing I can do in this process. It's up to God. He is in control of everything, always has been, always will be. :) How comforting! I know (without a doubt in my mind) that we will have children. What I don't know is HOW we will get that precious gift. Whether through adoption, fertility treatments, foster care, I don't know. But what I do know is that the Lord's grace is sufficient for me. Whatever He wants for my life I can handle. It may not always be easy, God never promised us easy, but He'll get me through.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Seriously?!

I had to stop by the drug store tonight to get yet ANOTHER ovulation kit...joy. The one I bought had 7 tests in it and I used them all with no sign of ovulation :( so I needed more. Anyway, as I was checking out, feeling depressed that I was spending $50 again for some other device to try to help us get pregnant, who should be standing behind me but a beautiful, glowing pregnant woman. I mean really?!?!?! You know, she almost seemed to be smirking at me, but I know that's just my bitterness and jealousy showing. Which, by the way, I never knew I could EVER have so much of (bitterness and jealousy that is). I then proceeded to my husband's softball game and I was walking up the steps when, who should I see? Yep, you guessed it...a beautiful, glowing pregnant woman with her belly screaming at me 'Haha, I've got a baby in here and you don't!' Ahhhhh, I just wanted to go home and go to bed. But I didn't and some part of me feels assured that I'll have my day with a big, beautiful belly...it's just taking longer than "planned", at least on my part. God has it all worked out!

A Poem

I'm reading a new book, as recommended by a friend, called "Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby?" and felt led to write my feelings in a poem. This same friend who recommended this book to me also shared a poem she wrote, which really touched me. I am not a poet. This poem comes from deep in the hurt of my heart, and altough I understand that God does not owe me or have to reward me for doing good things, I can't help but to feel angry that this is not the case. Because I am a good person and I feel like I DESERVE it. And that's something I've got to work through, but in the meantime I'm sharing this poem. It's real, it's how I feel...

Why Not Me?

Every highschool cheerleader is,
but why not me?
They JUST got married,
so why not me?
She's not even working,
why not me?
I love you Lord,
so why not me?

All my friends on Facebook are,
but why not me?
They already have 3,
why not me?
She's a single mom,
so why not me?
I serve you Lord,
so why not me?

They abuse them,
why not me?
I'm paying for them,
but why not me?
She doesn't even want them,
so why not me?
I'm pleading and begging Lord,
please let it be me.

Psalm 23

"The Lord is my shepherd;I shall not want." This is the verse that I just got in the mail, from our little boy in Brazil. (We started sponsoring him through Compassion International about a month ago, so I call him 'ours', but really we help him financially and spiritually through prayer.) But I found it amazing that he would send me this verse, because it's how I should be living my life everyday. Knowing that the Lord is my shepherd and that He'll lead me through ALL things! Yes I may go through hard times and yes I may cry and be confused and ask why, but it all comes back to the fact that God is taking care of me every step of the way. God used this little 6 year old boy in Brazil to remind me of that, so how can I not trust in Him and know that He is all-powerful? It's just another reminder that He loves me, cares for me, walks with me, and has my life planned perfectly. "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Mother's Day

In two days we will be celebrating the women who bring life into the world...mothers. And I thought for sure by now I'd be included in that group. In fact, last year around this time when I was shopping for a mother's day gift I found a cute ceramic future gift for my mom. It had two blocks with numbers on them that you can change, like one of those cute calendars, and it says '____ weeks until I'm a grandmother.' I was so sure that I'd be able to give it to her at any moment, since we had been trying for 2 months and how much longer could it take? So here we are a year later and that gift is still wrapped in tissue paper. And right now I feel like going to get it and throwing it on my driveway over and over until it shatters into a million pieces. But of course that's just my emotions talking. And last night when I was buying mother's day cards, I couldn't even read one without crying! Especially since there were a few 'First Mother's Day' cards staring at me and taunting me. But amidst all this, I have this feeling and sense of peace, a peace that passes any understanding. And I think we know where that comes from...God.

62 Million

Whoo hoo! That's the number of sperm my husband had when his analysis was done (a little personal I know, but I'm excited). They said everything else looked fine to, levels and what not. I cried tears of joy and relief. Well, actually I sobbed. In fact when I called Jonathan he thought the results were bad because I was crying. Haha, well it wasn't funny to him. I probably could've waited until my emotions calmed down, but I was just too excited. All day at work it's practically all I could think about. I even called the doctor's office twice! I want to end today's post with a few uplifting verses from a new-found fertility friend who has already encouraged me more than I've been since I started this journey.

 "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" James 1:2-4

More Tests

I woke up Tuesday morning with a stabbing pain in my lower back. As the day went on it began to radiate across my stomach and lower into my pelvic area. Wednesday morning it was still there, but had spread to pretty much my entire lower abdomen so I decided to call my doc, just the regular one and not my OB. He sent me to get an ultrasound. His two possible diagnoses were kidney stones (they found a good amount of blood in my urine) or an ovarian cyst that ruptured. Of course today I kept my phone on and felt like a school girl waiting for a boy to call as I waited not so patiently for the results. They found a cyst that appeared to be larger than the others and may be rupturing. Great. I also have to go back in 6 weeks for another ultrasound to make sure it's not getting larger. And in the meantime there is really nothing to do for pain except take some Motrin. We also got to take a semen sample to the lab yesterday for analysis. That was a fun experience, haha. And I'm a little worried because it didn't look like a whole lot in the cup. Hmmm? And it'd been over 72 hours since we'd had sex, so I don't know, maybe it's normal. I guess I'll find out in a few days...

Wedding Bows

We had a wedding shower for a girl at work today and something hit me! (let me preface these next statements with 'I'm only kidding, I'm not this superstitious!') As she was opening her presents she kept leaving the bows on and someone made a comment. Her reply was, "Someone said that for every bow you break, that's how many children you'll have...and I don't want any!" And I realized, I never broke any bows. That's my problem, haha! I vividly remember being very proud that out of all my showers I never once broke a bow. Now I'm thinking I wish I would've broken them all! :) So I have a box of old wedding stuff in my attic and my mom made me a bouquet for the rehearsal out of some of the bows off of the gifts. I'm thinking I may need to go dig it out and tear up a few of them tonight. At least it might be a little therapeutic!

0 for 3

So far this year I've taken 3 pregnancy tests, including one today just to make sure since my period was so weird, and they've all been negative. BUT I'm not losing hope! This morning at church my preacher gave a message about Jesus's apparent indifference (which by the way I think came straight from God, to my preacher, for ME to hear)and how things will happen in His time, for His purpose, and for His glory. Encouraging and true words that I needed to hear. And he, my preacher, said something this morning that really stuck with me. I need to get the focus off of praying for what I want to happen and start praising Him for what He is doing and will do in my life. Eventhough it's been 13 months since we first started trying for a baby, I am looking foward to see what the next 13 months and beyond have in store for us!

Confused???

So I did take a test a little over a week ago and it was negative. Then I thought I had started my period on Sunday. However, it's not really been anything like a period. More like spotting, with one day a little heavier than the others. I mean, I only had to use a tampon once! What is going on?! Part of me is hoping that I really am pregnant and just got a false negative. Maybe I tested too soon. I don't know. I think I'm going to test again in the morning, so we shall see! :)

Friday the Thirteenth

I never got my period, and there was no sign of it in sight. I couldn't stand it. I took a test last night. It was the most nervous I had ever been about peeing on a stick. I actually cried before I even decided to do it! My mind is so conditioned to seeing "no" that I want to avoid any unnecessary hurt, which makes me not want to take a test. But I did. And still only one pink line.

I'm confused now, because I ovulated and should've gotten my period by now, 2 days ago actually. And there isn't even any sign of it. No sleepless night, heavy/pressure feeling, NOTHING. So now of course I'm worried that I'm not going to get it and we'll be back in the same boat we were in before the metformin. Maybe it was just a temporary fix. I don't know. But I'm taking it pretty hard this month. Jonathan is too. It's the first time I've seen him actually get emotional about it. He's worried it's him. As soon as my period does come, I'm going to call my doc and get her to write him an order for the urologist (at least that where she told me he'd need to go). Then we can cross off one more thing on our list of to-dos before we try another treatment.

As difficult as this is, I can't imagine going through it without my faith in God and my Christian sisters who lift me up in prayer and through encouraging words!

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

Oh the Agony!

2 more days...and it's killing me! Not that I am wishing my life away, but I can't stand the wait for my period to start. Every month my emotions go on a roller coaster ride.

First it's "Oh good, I got my period again this month, maybe my body is trying to be normal and now we have another chance to try."

Then it's "Ok, go. Every other day!" :)

And then "Yay, my temp went up. Wait, did we have sex on the right day?!"

And finally the next two weeks go by s-l-o-w and my mind goes from excitement of thinking about the possibility of being pregnant to being completely down in the dumps thinking "Don't get your hopes up." Aghhhhhhhh!

It's kinda funny I guess if you think about it...well maybe not! Anyway, these next two days will be torturous. Although for me it could very well be 3,4, or 5 days. But according to my charting and patterns I've seen, 2 days it is!

On pins and needles...

Realization

So last night I had this dream that I was pregnant, and it felt so real. Real enough that I felt like I finally realized what will happen to my body when I do get pregnant. The stretching growing stomach, the uncomfortable feelings, the fear of the health of the baby and fear of delivery! Although I know I won't ever realize it all until it happens, but still, it was the weirdest feeling. I've woken up the past few mornings with a sick, nausaeus feeling and even had dry heaves 2 mornings. I'm taking some meds for a small infection, so it may be from that, but I can't help but to think how much worse it might be when I am pregnant. Anyway, it was just so weird, like an epiphany :) At first it made me feel really anxious and scared, but I talked to Jonathan about it and he made me feel better.

Doctor Appointment

Just got back from the OB and got some encouraging news. The dr. seems to think that I am ovulating since taking the Metformin has regulated my periods, which according to her means my hormones are balancing out. I still have my doubts though. She seems to always be too positive and like she is trying to keep me from getting discouraged. And I'd rather know the truth. I showed her my BBT chart and she said it looked great, eventhough after I "ovulate" my temp goes back down. So she said to give it 6-12 months! I thought I was going to fall off the table. She told me that a year ago when we decided we would start trying to get pregnant. Then when I started Metformin, she said 3-6 months. So I am waiting until July, and then we take the next steps. Semen analysis and possibly Clomid. She also told me that we could do a day 21 progesterone check to make sure I am ovulating, but then she reassured me that I was. That would require blood work every month, and insurance wouldn't pay because it's for fertility. AND on top of all this I am home sick today. The pollen is killing me. My whole face hurts, but I'm afraid to take any meds due to it possibly interfering with my fertility. So I'll suffer, and I'll do it gladly if it means a better chance of conceiving a child.

Negative

So my hubby came home and this morning he practically made me pee on a stick! :) I knew it wouldn't be positive because my spotting's been heavier. Of course it came up, you guessed it, one pink line. Then today everything in my body seemed to go back to normal, like a regular cycle. Go figure, a waste of a test! Anyway, another chance to try. I don't know why, but I just feel it's going to happen sooner than later. I go back to the OB at the end of this month, so we shall see what she says.

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."
1 Peter 5:10

Waiting and Wondering

So much for 30 days in my cycle. It's now been 34 days and I'm so anxious to know what's going on in my body. I FEEL like I'm cramping and about to start my period, but I haven't. And I've had minimal spotting, but that's it. So I looked online (bad idea) and read that many women have the same symptoms when they are in early pregnancy. So my hopes go soaring and then I come back to the realization that I'm more than likely not pregnant. AND I've been taking my BBT and it's been down. From what I've read it's supposed to go up if you're pregnant. So then I also looked that up on line and some women can still experience low BBT, especially if it's early. So...I just don't know. Jonathan is out of town anyway and I would never take a test without him here because it's just as important to him as it is to me. So maybe by Sunday I'll take one.

A Promise

"Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." What an amazing promise from God!

Yesterday I was feeling so down and out and pretty much hopeless. It's been right at a year since Jonathan and I decided we would try for a baby. We were thrilled at the possibilities and thoughts of the near future and being able to create a life. Little did we know, a year later those feelings would be replaced with anger, sadness, confusion, and bitterness. I catch myself getting hopeful and excited, but then I quickly stuff those feelings away in their little compartment way in the back of my mind because I'm afraid. Afraid of the "what if's", the let downs, and disappointments. Afraid to let myself feel a little joy and excitement because of the pain that came each time I saw that single pink line or had another doctor's appointment. Yesterday I even cried at work! So when I got home I sat down to pray (and listen) to God. As I was reading some Bible verses, I read the above promise and an overwhelming sense of protection came over me. I know the Lord loves me and is watching out for me and always has His best interest for me in mind. I realized that the feelings I had were selfish and I wasn't trusting in Him! Basically, what I was saying in my actions was that He wasn't good enough or able to work a miracle in me, and that's not true at all.

So I've decided to not pout and wallow in self-pity, like I've been doing (even though I may feel like it!). He knows the desires of my heart and it's out of my control. I am blessed beyond what I should be as it is, and I TRUST that the Lord WILL grant me a child.

Anovulatory

Well, it looks like that's what this cycle is according to my BBT. I had a little spike, but then it went back down, then I had another little spike, which is going back down now. ???? I really thought I was ovulating, and it really sucks getting your hopes up by actually having a period. And I'm just going to take a minute to vent...I'm not even overweight! I weigh 125 lbs. and am 5'4". I don't get it! Everything I read about women with PCOS and fertility issues has something to do with weight. Not that I'm knocking anyone else who is overweight and having these same issues, but at least you have somewhat of an explanation! I don't understand :( I'm starting to feel the depression that comes along with infertility, which according to the definition I'll technically be in a few weeks (infertile- failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year). I never thought I'd go through this and it's probably one of my worst fears.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Why Not ME?

Let me start by saying that I am happy for my friends who are pregnant...but why not ME? I just found out that one of my previous co-workers is due in Aug. and last time I spoke to her she wasn't even trying. Like I said, I am so happy and excited for her, but it's so frustrating knowing that we've been trying for almost a year! Another girl I went to grad school with got engaged, married, AND pregnant all in the time we've been trying. I mean, really?! It's a very difficult feeling to deal with and I hate having to not be able to join them with a big belly. Today's one of those not so good ones...

30 Days

Yay Metformin!!! I'm two for two on my cycles so far this year. I was curious as to how long it would be between them, since the first time I actually had a period "on my own" was last month. Turns out, 30 days it was. :) Color me happy! I bought a BBT (basal body temperature) thermometer so I'll start charting my temp. tomorrow morning to help see when I ovulate. This journey is exciting (right now anyway ;)) because I never know what to expect.

THE Dreaded Question

"So when are YOU going to have a baby?"

That's what I was asked several times yesterday while at a baby shower. Of course the people who asked don't know my situation, so I can't hardly blame them since Jonathan and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. But it still makes me want to scream, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I mean, what do you say? Oh, I have PCOS and go into a long explanation about it and all of the treatments we've tried so far? The first person who asked me, I was fine. But then I felt bombarded and was almost in tears when like 3 other people brought it up at the same time. I almost had to excuse myself to the bathroom, but I got myself under control! And I didn't want to take the focus off the mommy-to-be, because I am truly happy for her!

I can say one thing that I have learned through this experience is to NOT ask questions like this. For one, you never know what the person is going through and two, it's really none of their business. So eventually by the time I got asked this question again as I was leaving my response was, "Whenever God decides it's time."

"Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.". Psalms 27:14

At Last!

Finally...my body is starting to get back to normal! The Metformin is working (along with God!) and my cycle is kicking in. Whoo hoo! I never thought I'd be so excited for something that women usually dread. Haha :) I literally cried tears of joy and relief. Even though I had this feeling of peace and assurance that things were ok, it still felt good to have some concrete evidence. Of course we aren't completely in the clear, but it's a start. Now at least we can try again!

Happy New Year

It's 2012, a year full of new possibilities and as far as I'm concerned, a year closer to me becoming a mommy! Still taking Metformin, 3 a day, and for the most part I am over the side effects. I've found that if I take it right after I eat and have plenty of food on my stomach, then I don't get the cramping and the nausea. Mother nature and the meds still haven't kicked my body into regularity...but I guess it takes time.

Something exciting though: Right befor Christmas, Jonathan and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. We got fortune cookies at the end of the meal and mine said "God will give you everything that you want." It was really cool, like God talking to me b/c we had been talking at dinner about a baby and what we've had to go through so far and wondering what this year would bring us. I felt a comfort that I can't explain. And that night as I was going to bed, as I prayed, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. It was like the Lord was saying, "It's coming. Just wait. I"ll take care of everything".