God Is Not Enough

Lie. Truth: God IS enough. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." Psalm 23:1

I've recently started leading a Bible study with some of the teenage girls at my church. It's about lies we believe, and sometimes we don't even know we are believing them because we (or the world) convince ourselves it's a truth. As I read one of the lies yesterday, I realized I believed it for a long time. And if I'm honest, I probably still let it creep in and convince me it's a truth. The lie: God is not enough.

I never would've told anyone that God wasn't enough in my life. I'm a leader in the church, so how awful does that sound?! Ha. But my actions spoke louder than my words. For almost 2 years I lived as if God wasn't enough for me. I needed something else to be happy. A baby. If He would just give me a baby then everything would be alright and I'd have "enough".  There were moments where I was even angry at Him and questioned Him as to why this had to happen to me. I was a good person, so didn't I deserve good things? He was trying to show me that He was enough. During those hard times, times where I didn't want to face my friends or family or even get off the couch, He was there. He WAS enough. It took me almost 2 years to realize it, but maybe that was all part of His plan.

Only about 2 weeks before our IUI did I start to really believe that God was enough. Yes, I had posted before then that I was surrendering to His will and that I was at peace and so on, but this time was different. This time I actually believed that I would be okay.  No doubts.  It's so hard to put into words, but I'm going to take a stab at it.

We knew we were going to have an IUI done, we just weren't sure when. Leading up to it, I felt extremely nervous. Of course we wanted it to work and we'd both be crushed if it didn't. I prayed everyday about the outcome of the procedure. Something weird started happening though. Instead of praying for what I wanted (which was for it to work), I started praying for God's will to be done. And I meant it!! I would pray things like, "This is in Your hands and I'll be okay with whatever happens. Just don't leave me." And I truly did feel like I'd be okay. I would even imagine the IUI failing and anticipate my reactions. Would I still be sad? Absolutely! Who wouldn't be?! But I had this amazing assurance that if it did fail then God would pick me up and I would be okay. Life would go on. And I know I already said it, but I just knew I would be okay either way. (Like I said, this is really difficult to put into words!) I actually wish I would've posted this before we found out we were pregnant, because I feel that people will be thinking, "Well sure, she can say that now."  But really, I was going to be okay!! :)

On the morning of the IUI, before we went into the office, Jonathan and I prayed in our car for God's will to be done. And I had so much peace in my heart. No, I wasn't assured that this was going to work and yes, I was still hopeful that it would. But I had this peace that passes all understanding and that's when I really believed that God was enough for me. Whether or not we had children, He was enough. A very wise person once told me that "You'd rather be in the will of God and not have everything you want than be out of His will and have what you want instead." I said I believed it before, but I didn't really. Not until that moment when we prayed together in the car.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that He was enough for me and I didn't need more. When I look back I see how the Lord was chipping away at my heart and breaking down that lie I believed in, that He wasn't enough. Infertility was a tough road. There weren't many things, if any, that I would call 'good' about it. But I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, I'd do it all over again. Learning and believing in that one truth, that God is enough, was worth it all.

Transitions

It feels like forever since I've posted. Actually, it HAS been forever since my last post! To all my 3 readers out there, if you are still following me, I'm still alive :) and will post a little more often than I have been the past 2 months.

Life has been busy lately. Well, not any more busy than the normal person I guess, but some changes have happened and the past 2 months flew by before I realized it. One night I was thinking of all the many transitions a person can go through in life. Job change, or whole career change, death of loved ones, births and expanding families, moving, new relationships, health issues, and the list could go on.  Since my last post in May, my little family (me and the hubs) has experienced two of these transitions. First of all, Jonathan changed jobs. And let me just say that for about the past year he has not enjoyed his job and neither have I. It felt like a gap was between us because of all the time he was spending at work and not at home. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful that he has a job, but when he was working 11-12 hours a day Mon-Fri it put a strain in our marriage. I was coming home after work to an empty house day after day and trying to cook, clean, and do yard work so he wouldn't have to worry about any of it after his long days. And I do enjoy being a wife and having the opportunity to do those things, but it put extra stress on me knowing that I was pretty much responsible for it all and had no help. Jonathan never told me he wouldn't help, but I took it upon myself to not burden him anymore than he already was. Plus, he is leading the youth group at church and needs time to get lessons together and plan events. Bottom line was he wasn't happy. So an opportunity came up for him to switch departments at work. The thing is, this same opportunity came up about 7-8 months ago too and he turned it down because it was a significant pay cut. This time we both felt that it was the best option for us, pay cut and all. We prayed about it because at first it was a scary decision. Could we make it month to month on less income? But we both felt at peace about it and for the past 5 weeks he's been happier at this position than I have seen him in a long time. And that makes this little wife happier too!! :) it sounds cliche, but I've definitely learned that money cannot buy happiness, and I would rather be happy than wealthy any day!
"Do not overwork to be rich."  Proverbs 23:4

The second transition that we've experienced since my last post is that we found out our little family will be expanding. I'm pregnant. And overjoyed. And scared. And somedays still in disbelief. And undeserving. Of all the prayers I'd prayed in the past two years, I still had doubt in my heart and was convinced that it would never happen to us. Even on the day we found out, I was sure I wasn't going to be pregnant. How can I, who doubted God's awesome power, be deserving of this gift that I didn't even believe He would give me? I'm truly humbled. I will share more of my pregnancy and this new journey in later posts.

For those of you who are reading this and you are still trying to conceive, and maybe you have been for a while, I pray that the Lord will bless you. God has a plan for you, greater than you can even imagine! And if you let Him, He will carry you through your infertility and give you more joy than you've ever had, with or without children.

"For of Him and through Him and to Him are ALL things, to whom be the glory forever."  Romans 11:36

To Be or Not to Be

Am I or aren't I? Pregnant that is. My period hasn't come yet and I have 3 HPTs sitting in my bathroom, but I'm too scared to test. I just know its going to be negative. Or could it be possible that I might just see the two pinks lines I've been longing for for two years?!? Part of me feels like my body is giving me all the signs of my period, but then I wonder if its just me convincing myself of it and I really am not having symptoms of my period.  A very small part of me is so excited and hopeful,  but I've been crushed so many times that I won't let myself cling to those positive feelings. I know it seems stupid; just take the test Jessica. That's probably what you're thinking. I can't explain the absolute fear that I feel just thinking about taking a test. I'd rather wait a few days and get my period than see another negative.

I don't feel any different though. And my progesterone was low last week. Aren't you supposed to feel different if you are pregnant? Nausea, sore breasts, and all that other stuff? So I can't be pregnant if I don't feel any of those things. Right?!?! I should just suck it up and take the stupid test...but I won't.

Mixed Signals

I went yesterday for a progesterone check. My RE office always calls me back on my cell...except yesterday when I was gone from 8:00-4:00. I didn't even know they had left a message for me at home until an hour after I got home. Since it was Sunday I couldn't call back for any clarification, which I desperately needed.

The nurse said that my progesterone was "suboptimal mid-luteal". What?!?! Of course I googled that and didn't really find anything. My level was actually 9.9 and the nurse stated that the doctor wants it around 15 or at least above 10.  So now I have to take progesterone supplements to make my level more optimal for implantation, or at least that's how I understood it when I called the nurse back today.

But here's what I'm nervous about. Before I even started seeing a specialist, I had my progesterone checked a few times while taking Clomid from my OB. Twice my level was right around 10, just like it was yesterday. Neither of those times before resulted in pregnancy, obviously, so I'm now concerned that it means this IUI didn't work. :/  I did ask the nurse if that's what it meant, because I'd rather just know now instead of waiting around all week only to start my period on Mother's Day. She claims that it does not mean it didn't work. I even asked her about how my other progesterone checks were around the same number, but she said it didn't matter. I guess that got my hopes up a little bit, but I'm still anxious about if the IUI was successful or not.

I don't know what to think. I do know that sitting around worrying about it isn't going to change a thing. I also know that it doesn't matter what my progesterone was, God can work miracles if He so chooses (as I was reminded by a good friend at work today)!
And I know that this has been the most difficult two week wait yet!

IUI

Yesterday we had our IUI done! There's really not much to say about it because it took all of 3 minutes. I knew it wouldn't take long, but I didn't expect it to be that short. I had to go in for blood work at 7:30 and Jonathan had to deliver the goods :). We were in and out in 15 minutes. Last week we went for blood work and it took over 30 minutes, so we were not expecting to have so much time in between the labs and the procedure at 10:30. We decided to go eat breakfast and found a pancake house. It was delicious! As we ate, I noticed a pregnant woman walk in and couldn't help but think that maybe that could be me soon. I want so bad for that to be me soon!!

After we ate it was only 8:45, so we still had much time to kill. Since we wouldn't be attending our church services for being at our appointment, we decided to look around to see if there were any early services at nearby churches. I didn't realize how many churches were in downtown Charlotte! Most of them only had the traditional 11:00 or 10:30 service, which wouldn't work for us. We did find a contemporary church, Elevation, that had a 9:30 service, so we decided to go there and just leave early to get back to REACH by 10:30.  As we found some seats near the back (so we could sneak out without interrupting) I noticed the screen held the sermon series title. I can't remember it exactly, but it was about God's will. Can I just tell you that the days leading up to the IUI I had been praying for God's will to be done through the procedure?! I had even read, on Saturday, in the Bible where Jesus was praying to God to take His cup (His death on the cross) away from Him, but then followed it with "not My will but Yours be done".  I wanted that to be MY prayer too. Even though I don't want to go through infertility and I want the IUI to be successful, I want God's will to be done even more.

I left the doctor's office with a sense of peace and a feeling of joy and excitement. I don't know what the results of this will be, but I know that whatever happens I'll be okay.

Green Light

Full speed ahead! We got the okay from our doctor to proceed with the IUI. My lining was thick, I had one big follicle, and my LH and estrogen levels were good. My sister is coming over in about 30 minutes to give me my Ovidrel shot (I asked her to come and do it since she's a nurse and I hate needles). Then Sunday morning we go for the IUI. I'm so excited!!! But a little nervous too. My coworker asked me how I will know if it worked, and it got me thinking about how nerve wracking this 2 week wait will be. AND how I'm already dreading getting my period or having to endure seeing another negative pregnancy test. Since I've been on birth control since January, that hasn't been a problem. BUT, I'm going to try my best to be positive and believe that this is going to work. I've prayed and asked God for this to allow us to have a child and I know that if it is His will for my life then we'll have success! After all, if I didn't have some amount of hope for success, I wouldn't be going through this process in the first place.

An Update

I went back to the doctor Sunday morning for my monitoring visit, hoping to hear news that we would have the IUI done within the next couple of days. Not so much. :/ My follicles weren't as big as they needed to be and the lining of my uterus wasn't thick enough yet either. The good news the doctor told us was that both of those things, the follicles and the lining, matched up and that apparently my body is just progressing more slowly. 

BUT, apparently with good news come bad news. Well, I guess it's not that bad, but the fact that my doctor told me there was some "bad news" makes me feel worse about it. My LH level was elevated slightly. The doctor said that it wasn't too alarming, but that if it did get too high then we would have to stop treatment for this cycle. Of course that was upsetting, and I kind of wish he wouldn't have even said it! On the other hand, I do appreciate his honesty and him keeping me from having false hope. 

 Tomorrow I will go in for another monitoring appointment to see if my follicles grew. I'm praying for nice, plump eggs!! :) 

Unexpected Emotions

We finally got to go back and have a consultation with our doctor to decide on a plan. My husband and I had of course talked previously and we both felt like we wanted to try an IUI. The doctor gave us the okay and said that we could come back as soon as I had been off of the pill for 5 days. So we went back today. (And yay for no more birth control pills!!!!)

They drew blood from both my husband and me and did an ultrasound on me. They checked my follicles and the number of them decreased about 3 times from what they were back when we first went in December. In my case, this is a good thing. :) We were in and out in about 15 minutes and were instructed to wait for a phone call later in the day to let me know when to start the Clomid and when to come in for my next monitoring ultrasound.

We were both feeling excited and filled with new hope from starting a new treatment...until we had to checkout. The financial person showed me the IUI estimation, and even though my insurance covers 70% of my fertility treatments, the number I saw on that piece of paper shook me up.  I mean, in my mind I knew it would be expensive, and I actually thought it would be more than what she was showing me. She told us that we had to pay the amount first before she would approve us to go any further in the process. My husband was fine with and just said ok, but I was not. I didn't expect that paying for a fertility treatment would send me into the emotional roller coaster I experienced for the rest of the day. As I handed her my card, tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't help but feel that this is all my fault. It's not Jonathan's fault we can't have kids. My body is the one that's screwed up. I cried walking out of the office, going down the elevator, walking through the parking lot, and on the way home. I couldn't help but think that the money we just spent in hopes of creating life could've been used to pay my car payment for two months or to pay 2/3 of our monthly mortgage payment. And we just spent it on a POSSIBILITY. I also thought about all of the women (and girls) who get pregnant and didn't want to and can't afford to. Those people GET money from our government, but yet here I am paying for this treatment. It still just blows my mind and I can't quite wrap my mind around it and find peace about it.

Since I had only taken a half-day off of work, I had to go back for the afternoon. Like I said, I didn't expect to feel so emotional after this appointment so I didn't think I'd have any problems going back to work. Wrong! I literally cried for the first hour I got back. All I wanted to do was go home, lie on the couch, and cry. But I couldn't. And I couldn't believe how emotional I was about all of this!! What was wrong with me?! I was supposed to be happy and excited. No one told me how emotional it would be when the realization of how much money was being spent came into play.

I was still in my crying spell when I got a call back from the doctor's office. The nurse told me to go ahead and start taking the Clomid and to come in on April 21 for monitoring. Hopefully from that appointment we will know when to use the trigger shot of HCG and when the IUI will follow.

My day did get better and my emotions did calm down. I have a brand new appreciation for this journey. I can't really explain it, but it all of a sudden it seems more real.

"Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

MORE Exciting News

My sister is engaged!!! I'm so excited for her and can't wait to go and do all the fun matron of honor stuff with her. She will be a beautiful bride. That's all, just wanted to share. :)

Good News!

I just received a call from my doctor's office with my blood work results. My AMH levels came down significantly and we can move forward in the process of trying to conceive!!!!!!  I'm thrilled and over the moon right now. :)  However, since we don't have a "plan" of what we will do next, I still have to continue my birth control. Once we meet with the doctor and decide what to do (Clomid, other drugs, IUI) then I can stop taking the pills and we can try again. Whew! What a relief. I seriously feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now if I could just get the other 19 weights removed I'd be alright. :)

Still Just Waiting

Have you ever gone to an appointment and sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever? You felt like you saw people come and go and you read every magazine there is to read (besides the parenting ones and the 'I'm a new mom' ones!), but you are still just waiting.  You know there is nothing you can do really. You could complain, but then the people who work in the office where you are waiting will talk about you and maybe even make you wait longer just to spite you. Or you could just leave and say you don't have time to wait any longer, but you know you will just be right back in the same spot when you have to reschedule the appointment.

This is where I am. Stuck. Waiting. Watching people come and go with cute pregnant bellies while mine is still just flabby from eating too many carbs. :) Reading every bit of research on the Internet and from my reproductive endocrinologist...I know about things that only medical professionals should know! I cry now and again and complain that I've waited long enough, but it doesn't change my situation. Other people just think I'm an emotional wreck (aka crazy) and can't understand why I would be so upset after hearing about the newly pregnant girl at work and how she spent the morning throwing up in the bathroom. I want to spend my mornings throwing up in the bathroom!!!! I could give up and quit, but I know I'd be wanting to try again soon so I might as well just stick it out.

At this moment I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor with results from my blood work. Will I be able to come off the pill? Will we be able to try again?! Or am I stuck on birth control for another month while my hormone levels continue to spike?

BUT, I know there is purpose in the wait. I'm not sure what it is, but I'll know one day and this waiting game will make sense to me. In the past week, two of the daily devotions I get by email have been about waiting. Waiting on God. Literally waiting on Him, as in serving him like a waiter would do. And really, what else would I do...pout? Yeah, I could do that (and some days I do), but I shouldn't stop serving Him because life isn't what I planned. After all, He did send His Son to die for me so the least I can do is serve Him and give Him my heart. So even though I'm stuck in the waiting room, I'm going to make it through. I'll see the doctor, the Great Physician, when He's ready and He'll bring healing and comfort and answers. Even if it's not the answers I was hoping for.

"Wait on The Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on The Lord." Psalms 27:14

Month #2

Month number one on birth control seemed to last an eternity!! I'm hoping this month goes a little faster and that my blood work will show numbers my doctor is happy with so I can stop taking it.  I haven't called yet to make the appointment, so I don't know when I will go.  It's long distance to call the office from a land line, and since we don't have long distance I can't call from my house.  AND our cell phone reception is terrible at our house, so I can't call from my cell either.  I literally have to get in my car and drive around the block if I want to call my reproductive endocrinologist.  How annoying?!?  

Nothing else exciting is happening...just waiting.  Story of my life for the past two years.  I don't know when the waiting will end, but it has actually gotten easier.  (I can't believe I actually just typed that!) Through this journey I've learned to trust in God more and that there is nothing I can do to change His plan for me.  No amount of kicking, screaming, or crying is going to change my situation.  Which is comforting because I know that He is in total control of everything that goes on in my life.  I mean, of course I have free will and the ability to make decisions and choose what I will and will not do, but God will still find a way to make His plans for me come to fruition, even if I make it difficult for Him!

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"  Matthew 7:11

Twiddling My Thumbs

Nothing exciting happening. Half way through my first month of birth control and it feels like I've been on it for an eternity already! Oh I hope that after this first month my hormone levels are where the doctor wants them to be. These next two weeks are going to d r a g on!

Grin and Bear It

After much deliberation and even some tears, I started taking the birth control last night. Ugh!! But here's what I realized about my reservations: besides the fact that I was worried it will mess my cycle up again, I had to face the fact that I will not get pregnant this month. Wow.  For some reason that really shook me and I was almost adamant against taking the pills. We've been trying for almost two years, and month after month I've seen one pink line.  But each month I still had hope way in the back of my mind that it might happen. That's the crazy infertile brain...telling yourself it will happen while believing that this is totally not the month but at the same time thinking 'this is going to be it'!! Haha, see it's crazy. :) Anyway, with being on the pill it's certain that there will be no baby this month. Certain. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. All these months of trying and hoping and praying, and now I'm stopping any ability I would have had to get pregnant. I kept asking myself, "What if this was supposed to be the month and I just ruined it by taking birth control?" Should I have waited one more month? But I feel like that's all I've been saying for the past year...just one more month. Infertility really does make a person feel crazy!  I wanted to see a specialist and do whatever it took, and now I'm questioning the doctor's suggestions for treatment.  But I decided to suck it up and trust that he knows better than me...even if I have "researched" it (aka asked Dr. Google) and think I know more than he and his 3 medical degrees do.

You Want Me To Do What?!

This past Tuesday my husband and I went for our follow-up appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist. After having a ton of blood work done on Christmas Eve, I was ready to finally get the results back. My appointment was at 3:30, so we were asked to be there at 3:15. With me being more of an early bird (and I was super anxious about the results we would be getting) we got there a little after 3:00. Well, we waited and waited and waited. Then we waited some more. Finally, at 3:55 I asked the receptionist when we would be seen! My nervous heart was about to beat out of my chest and the longer we waited to see the doctor the worse it got. :) We were finally called back about 10 min. later and led to the doctor's office.

I've only been to this facility 4 times, and 3 of those times I've seen the doctor. And I have to say, every time I speak to him he is so pleasant and friendly. Just seeing him, shaking his hand, and saying hello calmed my nerves! We sat down and he got right to business with giving me results. He had many numbers pulled up on his computer screen and x-ray and ultrasound pictures scattered across his desk. He proceeded to tell me that I have a classic case of PCOS and that my pituitary gland secretes too much all the time, when it should be secreting a low amount until around ovulation to signal my ovaries to create a follicle and release an egg. This causes my ovaries to be confused and think they constantly need to make follicles, which don't always mature, hence the reason my ovaries are covered with follicles (cysts) and why I have polycystic ovaries. Thanks pituitary gland! Anyway, out of all of the levels he tested and all of the blood work that was done, he only found one other hormone level that was too high. I can't remember what it was, AMH or something like that. He didn't go into much detail about it, only offered a solution to bring it down so we could start some treatments.

His solution...birth control. Excuse me? Did you just tell me to take birth control when I'm trying to get pregnant?! How is that supposed to help? I was totally confused and honestly, a little upset. I had sworn off birth control after I came off of it in March 2011 and had so many problems getting a regular period. I attributed all of my struggles to get pregnant to taking birth control for 4 years. And even now, it's hard for me not to still think that birth control is part of the reason I'm infertile. My first reaction (in my mind) was "no way, I'm not taking it." But as he started to explain why, it began to make more sense, although I'm still not thrilled about the thought of taking birth control. He said my ovaries are hyperstimulated and taking the birth control would actually help them return to a more normal state. The hormone that was too high will also come down with the use of birth control. Once that hormone gets back to a normal level, then he will take me off of the birth control and try Clomid again.  The doctor also suggested that we try an IUI with the use of the Clomid, just to be proactive in the process.  It's not really the news I was expecting, although I don't really know what news I was hoping for. :)

He did have one positive comment about my treatment. "This should be a fairly simple process once we get your hormone level where it needs to be." Hmm, do I believe it? It sounded good, but for some reason it didn't give me any more peace about my infertility or any more hope.  I had a brief, VERY brief, moment of excitement, but it was quickly replaced with doubt. I'm so scared to let myself believe him and get my hopes up for success. At the same time, I feel like I'm doubting God and having no trust in Him. I know there've been times before where I felt Him speaking to me and telling me that my time is coming. I just have to wait. But I've waited for a while, and my heart has become hardened to believing in good things for my future. I know in my head that His timing is perfect, I'm just having difficulty knowing it in my heart.

Waiting

"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, The Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
                              Isaiah 40:28-31

How beautiful! Every time I read these verses I can't help but to smile. :)
I hope you find encouragement in this today. God sees you waiting and He knows you are weary. He will give you strength.

Twenty Thirteen

Happy New Year! There are 365 days of possibilities ahead of me this year. The possibility of getting pregnant, or not, the possibility of choosing to be happy and satisfied with life, or not, the possibility of making a difference, or not...it's endless. I hope that this year brings a baby and happiness and joy and all things good, but I know that I'm not in control of everything that happens. What I am in control of is my choices. And making choices is hard sometimes! :)  BUT, through prayer and guidance from my God, I know He'll lead me in the direction I'm supposed to go...as long as I listen!

As I think about last year, I can't help but to think about two (out of the several) ladies who I was able to connect with through infertility. Wow! What a blessing they both have been to me. This journey is tough, but it's easier when you have friends who are walking the same road to travel it with.  And I've prayed for these ladies, prayed that God would bless them with the children they've longed for and waited for for so long.  And guess what? Both of them will become mothers this year!!! God is in the business of miracles and He's still working them. I know He can work a miracle in me too and they give me even more hope to believe that.

Speaking of my little miracle yet to come, I've been to the fertility clinic three times in three weeks and will go again next week to make it four for four, haha! The first was the initial consult in which we talked to the doctor and I had an ultrasound done (found MANY follicles on each ovary which is what happens with PCOS, but it's not a good thing obviously), the second was on Christmas Eve for a major blood draw (12 tubes!!), and the third was yesterday for my HSG, which really wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. And everything looked good, nothing blocking my tubes. The doctor even said my uterus looked perfect...wow, what a compliment.  We will go back next week to discuss blood work and the next steps, which is very exciting for me.  Who knows what this year will hold?!?