Grin and Bear It

After much deliberation and even some tears, I started taking the birth control last night. Ugh!! But here's what I realized about my reservations: besides the fact that I was worried it will mess my cycle up again, I had to face the fact that I will not get pregnant this month. Wow.  For some reason that really shook me and I was almost adamant against taking the pills. We've been trying for almost two years, and month after month I've seen one pink line.  But each month I still had hope way in the back of my mind that it might happen. That's the crazy infertile brain...telling yourself it will happen while believing that this is totally not the month but at the same time thinking 'this is going to be it'!! Haha, see it's crazy. :) Anyway, with being on the pill it's certain that there will be no baby this month. Certain. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. All these months of trying and hoping and praying, and now I'm stopping any ability I would have had to get pregnant. I kept asking myself, "What if this was supposed to be the month and I just ruined it by taking birth control?" Should I have waited one more month? But I feel like that's all I've been saying for the past year...just one more month. Infertility really does make a person feel crazy!  I wanted to see a specialist and do whatever it took, and now I'm questioning the doctor's suggestions for treatment.  But I decided to suck it up and trust that he knows better than me...even if I have "researched" it (aka asked Dr. Google) and think I know more than he and his 3 medical degrees do.