God Is Not Enough

Lie. Truth: God IS enough. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." Psalm 23:1

I've recently started leading a Bible study with some of the teenage girls at my church. It's about lies we believe, and sometimes we don't even know we are believing them because we (or the world) convince ourselves it's a truth. As I read one of the lies yesterday, I realized I believed it for a long time. And if I'm honest, I probably still let it creep in and convince me it's a truth. The lie: God is not enough.

I never would've told anyone that God wasn't enough in my life. I'm a leader in the church, so how awful does that sound?! Ha. But my actions spoke louder than my words. For almost 2 years I lived as if God wasn't enough for me. I needed something else to be happy. A baby. If He would just give me a baby then everything would be alright and I'd have "enough".  There were moments where I was even angry at Him and questioned Him as to why this had to happen to me. I was a good person, so didn't I deserve good things? He was trying to show me that He was enough. During those hard times, times where I didn't want to face my friends or family or even get off the couch, He was there. He WAS enough. It took me almost 2 years to realize it, but maybe that was all part of His plan.

Only about 2 weeks before our IUI did I start to really believe that God was enough. Yes, I had posted before then that I was surrendering to His will and that I was at peace and so on, but this time was different. This time I actually believed that I would be okay.  No doubts.  It's so hard to put into words, but I'm going to take a stab at it.

We knew we were going to have an IUI done, we just weren't sure when. Leading up to it, I felt extremely nervous. Of course we wanted it to work and we'd both be crushed if it didn't. I prayed everyday about the outcome of the procedure. Something weird started happening though. Instead of praying for what I wanted (which was for it to work), I started praying for God's will to be done. And I meant it!! I would pray things like, "This is in Your hands and I'll be okay with whatever happens. Just don't leave me." And I truly did feel like I'd be okay. I would even imagine the IUI failing and anticipate my reactions. Would I still be sad? Absolutely! Who wouldn't be?! But I had this amazing assurance that if it did fail then God would pick me up and I would be okay. Life would go on. And I know I already said it, but I just knew I would be okay either way. (Like I said, this is really difficult to put into words!) I actually wish I would've posted this before we found out we were pregnant, because I feel that people will be thinking, "Well sure, she can say that now."  But really, I was going to be okay!! :)

On the morning of the IUI, before we went into the office, Jonathan and I prayed in our car for God's will to be done. And I had so much peace in my heart. No, I wasn't assured that this was going to work and yes, I was still hopeful that it would. But I had this peace that passes all understanding and that's when I really believed that God was enough for me. Whether or not we had children, He was enough. A very wise person once told me that "You'd rather be in the will of God and not have everything you want than be out of His will and have what you want instead." I said I believed it before, but I didn't really. Not until that moment when we prayed together in the car.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that He was enough for me and I didn't need more. When I look back I see how the Lord was chipping away at my heart and breaking down that lie I believed in, that He wasn't enough. Infertility was a tough road. There weren't many things, if any, that I would call 'good' about it. But I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, I'd do it all over again. Learning and believing in that one truth, that God is enough, was worth it all.