Unexpected Emotions

We finally got to go back and have a consultation with our doctor to decide on a plan. My husband and I had of course talked previously and we both felt like we wanted to try an IUI. The doctor gave us the okay and said that we could come back as soon as I had been off of the pill for 5 days. So we went back today. (And yay for no more birth control pills!!!!)

They drew blood from both my husband and me and did an ultrasound on me. They checked my follicles and the number of them decreased about 3 times from what they were back when we first went in December. In my case, this is a good thing. :) We were in and out in about 15 minutes and were instructed to wait for a phone call later in the day to let me know when to start the Clomid and when to come in for my next monitoring ultrasound.

We were both feeling excited and filled with new hope from starting a new treatment...until we had to checkout. The financial person showed me the IUI estimation, and even though my insurance covers 70% of my fertility treatments, the number I saw on that piece of paper shook me up.  I mean, in my mind I knew it would be expensive, and I actually thought it would be more than what she was showing me. She told us that we had to pay the amount first before she would approve us to go any further in the process. My husband was fine with and just said ok, but I was not. I didn't expect that paying for a fertility treatment would send me into the emotional roller coaster I experienced for the rest of the day. As I handed her my card, tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't help but feel that this is all my fault. It's not Jonathan's fault we can't have kids. My body is the one that's screwed up. I cried walking out of the office, going down the elevator, walking through the parking lot, and on the way home. I couldn't help but think that the money we just spent in hopes of creating life could've been used to pay my car payment for two months or to pay 2/3 of our monthly mortgage payment. And we just spent it on a POSSIBILITY. I also thought about all of the women (and girls) who get pregnant and didn't want to and can't afford to. Those people GET money from our government, but yet here I am paying for this treatment. It still just blows my mind and I can't quite wrap my mind around it and find peace about it.

Since I had only taken a half-day off of work, I had to go back for the afternoon. Like I said, I didn't expect to feel so emotional after this appointment so I didn't think I'd have any problems going back to work. Wrong! I literally cried for the first hour I got back. All I wanted to do was go home, lie on the couch, and cry. But I couldn't. And I couldn't believe how emotional I was about all of this!! What was wrong with me?! I was supposed to be happy and excited. No one told me how emotional it would be when the realization of how much money was being spent came into play.

I was still in my crying spell when I got a call back from the doctor's office. The nurse told me to go ahead and start taking the Clomid and to come in on April 21 for monitoring. Hopefully from that appointment we will know when to use the trigger shot of HCG and when the IUI will follow.

My day did get better and my emotions did calm down. I have a brand new appreciation for this journey. I can't really explain it, but it all of a sudden it seems more real.

"Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10