Seriously?!

I had to stop by the drug store tonight to get yet ANOTHER ovulation kit...joy. The one I bought had 7 tests in it and I used them all with no sign of ovulation :( so I needed more. Anyway, as I was checking out, feeling depressed that I was spending $50 again for some other device to try to help us get pregnant, who should be standing behind me but a beautiful, glowing pregnant woman. I mean really?!?!?! You know, she almost seemed to be smirking at me, but I know that's just my bitterness and jealousy showing. Which, by the way, I never knew I could EVER have so much of (bitterness and jealousy that is). I then proceeded to my husband's softball game and I was walking up the steps when, who should I see? Yep, you guessed it...a beautiful, glowing pregnant woman with her belly screaming at me 'Haha, I've got a baby in here and you don't!' Ahhhhh, I just wanted to go home and go to bed. But I didn't and some part of me feels assured that I'll have my day with a big, beautiful belly...it's just taking longer than "planned", at least on my part. God has it all worked out!

A Poem

I'm reading a new book, as recommended by a friend, called "Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby?" and felt led to write my feelings in a poem. This same friend who recommended this book to me also shared a poem she wrote, which really touched me. I am not a poet. This poem comes from deep in the hurt of my heart, and altough I understand that God does not owe me or have to reward me for doing good things, I can't help but to feel angry that this is not the case. Because I am a good person and I feel like I DESERVE it. And that's something I've got to work through, but in the meantime I'm sharing this poem. It's real, it's how I feel...

Why Not Me?

Every highschool cheerleader is,
but why not me?
They JUST got married,
so why not me?
She's not even working,
why not me?
I love you Lord,
so why not me?

All my friends on Facebook are,
but why not me?
They already have 3,
why not me?
She's a single mom,
so why not me?
I serve you Lord,
so why not me?

They abuse them,
why not me?
I'm paying for them,
but why not me?
She doesn't even want them,
so why not me?
I'm pleading and begging Lord,
please let it be me.

Psalm 23

"The Lord is my shepherd;I shall not want." This is the verse that I just got in the mail, from our little boy in Brazil. (We started sponsoring him through Compassion International about a month ago, so I call him 'ours', but really we help him financially and spiritually through prayer.) But I found it amazing that he would send me this verse, because it's how I should be living my life everyday. Knowing that the Lord is my shepherd and that He'll lead me through ALL things! Yes I may go through hard times and yes I may cry and be confused and ask why, but it all comes back to the fact that God is taking care of me every step of the way. God used this little 6 year old boy in Brazil to remind me of that, so how can I not trust in Him and know that He is all-powerful? It's just another reminder that He loves me, cares for me, walks with me, and has my life planned perfectly. "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Mother's Day

In two days we will be celebrating the women who bring life into the world...mothers. And I thought for sure by now I'd be included in that group. In fact, last year around this time when I was shopping for a mother's day gift I found a cute ceramic future gift for my mom. It had two blocks with numbers on them that you can change, like one of those cute calendars, and it says '____ weeks until I'm a grandmother.' I was so sure that I'd be able to give it to her at any moment, since we had been trying for 2 months and how much longer could it take? So here we are a year later and that gift is still wrapped in tissue paper. And right now I feel like going to get it and throwing it on my driveway over and over until it shatters into a million pieces. But of course that's just my emotions talking. And last night when I was buying mother's day cards, I couldn't even read one without crying! Especially since there were a few 'First Mother's Day' cards staring at me and taunting me. But amidst all this, I have this feeling and sense of peace, a peace that passes any understanding. And I think we know where that comes from...God.

62 Million

Whoo hoo! That's the number of sperm my husband had when his analysis was done (a little personal I know, but I'm excited). They said everything else looked fine to, levels and what not. I cried tears of joy and relief. Well, actually I sobbed. In fact when I called Jonathan he thought the results were bad because I was crying. Haha, well it wasn't funny to him. I probably could've waited until my emotions calmed down, but I was just too excited. All day at work it's practically all I could think about. I even called the doctor's office twice! I want to end today's post with a few uplifting verses from a new-found fertility friend who has already encouraged me more than I've been since I started this journey.

 "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" James 1:2-4

More Tests

I woke up Tuesday morning with a stabbing pain in my lower back. As the day went on it began to radiate across my stomach and lower into my pelvic area. Wednesday morning it was still there, but had spread to pretty much my entire lower abdomen so I decided to call my doc, just the regular one and not my OB. He sent me to get an ultrasound. His two possible diagnoses were kidney stones (they found a good amount of blood in my urine) or an ovarian cyst that ruptured. Of course today I kept my phone on and felt like a school girl waiting for a boy to call as I waited not so patiently for the results. They found a cyst that appeared to be larger than the others and may be rupturing. Great. I also have to go back in 6 weeks for another ultrasound to make sure it's not getting larger. And in the meantime there is really nothing to do for pain except take some Motrin. We also got to take a semen sample to the lab yesterday for analysis. That was a fun experience, haha. And I'm a little worried because it didn't look like a whole lot in the cup. Hmmm? And it'd been over 72 hours since we'd had sex, so I don't know, maybe it's normal. I guess I'll find out in a few days...

Wedding Bows

We had a wedding shower for a girl at work today and something hit me! (let me preface these next statements with 'I'm only kidding, I'm not this superstitious!') As she was opening her presents she kept leaving the bows on and someone made a comment. Her reply was, "Someone said that for every bow you break, that's how many children you'll have...and I don't want any!" And I realized, I never broke any bows. That's my problem, haha! I vividly remember being very proud that out of all my showers I never once broke a bow. Now I'm thinking I wish I would've broken them all! :) So I have a box of old wedding stuff in my attic and my mom made me a bouquet for the rehearsal out of some of the bows off of the gifts. I'm thinking I may need to go dig it out and tear up a few of them tonight. At least it might be a little therapeutic!