A Promise

"Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." What an amazing promise from God!

Yesterday I was feeling so down and out and pretty much hopeless. It's been right at a year since Jonathan and I decided we would try for a baby. We were thrilled at the possibilities and thoughts of the near future and being able to create a life. Little did we know, a year later those feelings would be replaced with anger, sadness, confusion, and bitterness. I catch myself getting hopeful and excited, but then I quickly stuff those feelings away in their little compartment way in the back of my mind because I'm afraid. Afraid of the "what if's", the let downs, and disappointments. Afraid to let myself feel a little joy and excitement because of the pain that came each time I saw that single pink line or had another doctor's appointment. Yesterday I even cried at work! So when I got home I sat down to pray (and listen) to God. As I was reading some Bible verses, I read the above promise and an overwhelming sense of protection came over me. I know the Lord loves me and is watching out for me and always has His best interest for me in mind. I realized that the feelings I had were selfish and I wasn't trusting in Him! Basically, what I was saying in my actions was that He wasn't good enough or able to work a miracle in me, and that's not true at all.

So I've decided to not pout and wallow in self-pity, like I've been doing (even though I may feel like it!). He knows the desires of my heart and it's out of my control. I am blessed beyond what I should be as it is, and I TRUST that the Lord WILL grant me a child.

Anovulatory

Well, it looks like that's what this cycle is according to my BBT. I had a little spike, but then it went back down, then I had another little spike, which is going back down now. ???? I really thought I was ovulating, and it really sucks getting your hopes up by actually having a period. And I'm just going to take a minute to vent...I'm not even overweight! I weigh 125 lbs. and am 5'4". I don't get it! Everything I read about women with PCOS and fertility issues has something to do with weight. Not that I'm knocking anyone else who is overweight and having these same issues, but at least you have somewhat of an explanation! I don't understand :( I'm starting to feel the depression that comes along with infertility, which according to the definition I'll technically be in a few weeks (infertile- failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year). I never thought I'd go through this and it's probably one of my worst fears.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Why Not ME?

Let me start by saying that I am happy for my friends who are pregnant...but why not ME? I just found out that one of my previous co-workers is due in Aug. and last time I spoke to her she wasn't even trying. Like I said, I am so happy and excited for her, but it's so frustrating knowing that we've been trying for almost a year! Another girl I went to grad school with got engaged, married, AND pregnant all in the time we've been trying. I mean, really?! It's a very difficult feeling to deal with and I hate having to not be able to join them with a big belly. Today's one of those not so good ones...

30 Days

Yay Metformin!!! I'm two for two on my cycles so far this year. I was curious as to how long it would be between them, since the first time I actually had a period "on my own" was last month. Turns out, 30 days it was. :) Color me happy! I bought a BBT (basal body temperature) thermometer so I'll start charting my temp. tomorrow morning to help see when I ovulate. This journey is exciting (right now anyway ;)) because I never know what to expect.

THE Dreaded Question

"So when are YOU going to have a baby?"

That's what I was asked several times yesterday while at a baby shower. Of course the people who asked don't know my situation, so I can't hardly blame them since Jonathan and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. But it still makes me want to scream, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I mean, what do you say? Oh, I have PCOS and go into a long explanation about it and all of the treatments we've tried so far? The first person who asked me, I was fine. But then I felt bombarded and was almost in tears when like 3 other people brought it up at the same time. I almost had to excuse myself to the bathroom, but I got myself under control! And I didn't want to take the focus off the mommy-to-be, because I am truly happy for her!

I can say one thing that I have learned through this experience is to NOT ask questions like this. For one, you never know what the person is going through and two, it's really none of their business. So eventually by the time I got asked this question again as I was leaving my response was, "Whenever God decides it's time."

"Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord.". Psalms 27:14

At Last!

Finally...my body is starting to get back to normal! The Metformin is working (along with God!) and my cycle is kicking in. Whoo hoo! I never thought I'd be so excited for something that women usually dread. Haha :) I literally cried tears of joy and relief. Even though I had this feeling of peace and assurance that things were ok, it still felt good to have some concrete evidence. Of course we aren't completely in the clear, but it's a start. Now at least we can try again!

Happy New Year

It's 2012, a year full of new possibilities and as far as I'm concerned, a year closer to me becoming a mommy! Still taking Metformin, 3 a day, and for the most part I am over the side effects. I've found that if I take it right after I eat and have plenty of food on my stomach, then I don't get the cramping and the nausea. Mother nature and the meds still haven't kicked my body into regularity...but I guess it takes time.

Something exciting though: Right befor Christmas, Jonathan and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. We got fortune cookies at the end of the meal and mine said "God will give you everything that you want." It was really cool, like God talking to me b/c we had been talking at dinner about a baby and what we've had to go through so far and wondering what this year would bring us. I felt a comfort that I can't explain. And that night as I was going to bed, as I prayed, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. It was like the Lord was saying, "It's coming. Just wait. I"ll take care of everything".