Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Grin and Bear It
After much deliberation and even some tears, I started taking the birth control last night. Ugh!! But here's what I realized about my reservations: besides the fact that I was worried it will mess my cycle up again, I had to face the fact that I will not get pregnant this month. Wow. For some reason that really shook me and I was almost adamant against taking the pills. We've been trying for almost two years, and month after month I've seen one pink line. But each month I still had hope way in the back of my mind that it might happen. That's the crazy infertile brain...telling yourself it will happen while believing that this is totally not the month but at the same time thinking 'this is going to be it'!! Haha, see it's crazy. :) Anyway, with being on the pill it's certain that there will be no baby this month. Certain. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. All these months of trying and hoping and praying, and now I'm stopping any ability I would have had to get pregnant. I kept asking myself, "What if this was supposed to be the month and I just ruined it by taking birth control?" Should I have waited one more month? But I feel like that's all I've been saying for the past year...just one more month. Infertility really does make a person feel crazy! I wanted to see a specialist and do whatever it took, and now I'm questioning the doctor's suggestions for treatment. But I decided to suck it up and trust that he knows better than me...even if I have "researched" it (aka asked Dr. Google) and think I know more than he and his 3 medical degrees do.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
You Want Me To Do What?!
This past Tuesday my husband and I went for our follow-up appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist. After having a ton of blood work done on Christmas Eve, I was ready to finally get the results back. My appointment was at 3:30, so we were asked to be there at 3:15. With me being more of an early bird (and I was super anxious about the results we would be getting) we got there a little after 3:00. Well, we waited and waited and waited. Then we waited some more. Finally, at 3:55 I asked the receptionist when we would be seen! My nervous heart was about to beat out of my chest and the longer we waited to see the doctor the worse it got. :) We were finally called back about 10 min. later and led to the doctor's office.
I've only been to this facility 4 times, and 3 of those times I've seen the doctor. And I have to say, every time I speak to him he is so pleasant and friendly. Just seeing him, shaking his hand, and saying hello calmed my nerves! We sat down and he got right to business with giving me results. He had many numbers pulled up on his computer screen and x-ray and ultrasound pictures scattered across his desk. He proceeded to tell me that I have a classic case of PCOS and that my pituitary gland secretes too much all the time, when it should be secreting a low amount until around ovulation to signal my ovaries to create a follicle and release an egg. This causes my ovaries to be confused and think they constantly need to make follicles, which don't always mature, hence the reason my ovaries are covered with follicles (cysts) and why I have polycystic ovaries. Thanks pituitary gland! Anyway, out of all of the levels he tested and all of the blood work that was done, he only found one other hormone level that was too high. I can't remember what it was, AMH or something like that. He didn't go into much detail about it, only offered a solution to bring it down so we could start some treatments.
His solution...birth control. Excuse me? Did you just tell me to take birth control when I'm trying to get pregnant?! How is that supposed to help? I was totally confused and honestly, a little upset. I had sworn off birth control after I came off of it in March 2011 and had so many problems getting a regular period. I attributed all of my struggles to get pregnant to taking birth control for 4 years. And even now, it's hard for me not to still think that birth control is part of the reason I'm infertile. My first reaction (in my mind) was "no way, I'm not taking it." But as he started to explain why, it began to make more sense, although I'm still not thrilled about the thought of taking birth control. He said my ovaries are hyperstimulated and taking the birth control would actually help them return to a more normal state. The hormone that was too high will also come down with the use of birth control. Once that hormone gets back to a normal level, then he will take me off of the birth control and try Clomid again. The doctor also suggested that we try an IUI with the use of the Clomid, just to be proactive in the process. It's not really the news I was expecting, although I don't really know what news I was hoping for. :)
He did have one positive comment about my treatment. "This should be a fairly simple process once we get your hormone level where it needs to be." Hmm, do I believe it? It sounded good, but for some reason it didn't give me any more peace about my infertility or any more hope. I had a brief, VERY brief, moment of excitement, but it was quickly replaced with doubt. I'm so scared to let myself believe him and get my hopes up for success. At the same time, I feel like I'm doubting God and having no trust in Him. I know there've been times before where I felt Him speaking to me and telling me that my time is coming. I just have to wait. But I've waited for a while, and my heart has become hardened to believing in good things for my future. I know in my head that His timing is perfect, I'm just having difficulty knowing it in my heart.
I've only been to this facility 4 times, and 3 of those times I've seen the doctor. And I have to say, every time I speak to him he is so pleasant and friendly. Just seeing him, shaking his hand, and saying hello calmed my nerves! We sat down and he got right to business with giving me results. He had many numbers pulled up on his computer screen and x-ray and ultrasound pictures scattered across his desk. He proceeded to tell me that I have a classic case of PCOS and that my pituitary gland secretes too much all the time, when it should be secreting a low amount until around ovulation to signal my ovaries to create a follicle and release an egg. This causes my ovaries to be confused and think they constantly need to make follicles, which don't always mature, hence the reason my ovaries are covered with follicles (cysts) and why I have polycystic ovaries. Thanks pituitary gland! Anyway, out of all of the levels he tested and all of the blood work that was done, he only found one other hormone level that was too high. I can't remember what it was, AMH or something like that. He didn't go into much detail about it, only offered a solution to bring it down so we could start some treatments.
His solution...birth control. Excuse me? Did you just tell me to take birth control when I'm trying to get pregnant?! How is that supposed to help? I was totally confused and honestly, a little upset. I had sworn off birth control after I came off of it in March 2011 and had so many problems getting a regular period. I attributed all of my struggles to get pregnant to taking birth control for 4 years. And even now, it's hard for me not to still think that birth control is part of the reason I'm infertile. My first reaction (in my mind) was "no way, I'm not taking it." But as he started to explain why, it began to make more sense, although I'm still not thrilled about the thought of taking birth control. He said my ovaries are hyperstimulated and taking the birth control would actually help them return to a more normal state. The hormone that was too high will also come down with the use of birth control. Once that hormone gets back to a normal level, then he will take me off of the birth control and try Clomid again. The doctor also suggested that we try an IUI with the use of the Clomid, just to be proactive in the process. It's not really the news I was expecting, although I don't really know what news I was hoping for. :)
He did have one positive comment about my treatment. "This should be a fairly simple process once we get your hormone level where it needs to be." Hmm, do I believe it? It sounded good, but for some reason it didn't give me any more peace about my infertility or any more hope. I had a brief, VERY brief, moment of excitement, but it was quickly replaced with doubt. I'm so scared to let myself believe him and get my hopes up for success. At the same time, I feel like I'm doubting God and having no trust in Him. I know there've been times before where I felt Him speaking to me and telling me that my time is coming. I just have to wait. But I've waited for a while, and my heart has become hardened to believing in good things for my future. I know in my head that His timing is perfect, I'm just having difficulty knowing it in my heart.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Waiting
"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, The Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31
How beautiful! Every time I read these verses I can't help but to smile. :)
I hope you find encouragement in this today. God sees you waiting and He knows you are weary. He will give you strength.
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, The Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:28-31
How beautiful! Every time I read these verses I can't help but to smile. :)
I hope you find encouragement in this today. God sees you waiting and He knows you are weary. He will give you strength.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Twenty Thirteen
Happy New Year! There are 365 days of possibilities ahead of me this year. The possibility of getting pregnant, or not, the possibility of choosing to be happy and satisfied with life, or not, the possibility of making a difference, or not...it's endless. I hope that this year brings a baby and happiness and joy and all things good, but I know that I'm not in control of everything that happens. What I am in control of is my choices. And making choices is hard sometimes! :) BUT, through prayer and guidance from my God, I know He'll lead me in the direction I'm supposed to go...as long as I listen!
As I think about last year, I can't help but to think about two (out of the several) ladies who I was able to connect with through infertility. Wow! What a blessing they both have been to me. This journey is tough, but it's easier when you have friends who are walking the same road to travel it with. And I've prayed for these ladies, prayed that God would bless them with the children they've longed for and waited for for so long. And guess what? Both of them will become mothers this year!!! God is in the business of miracles and He's still working them. I know He can work a miracle in me too and they give me even more hope to believe that.
Speaking of my little miracle yet to come, I've been to the fertility clinic three times in three weeks and will go again next week to make it four for four, haha! The first was the initial consult in which we talked to the doctor and I had an ultrasound done (found MANY follicles on each ovary which is what happens with PCOS, but it's not a good thing obviously), the second was on Christmas Eve for a major blood draw (12 tubes!!), and the third was yesterday for my HSG, which really wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. And everything looked good, nothing blocking my tubes. The doctor even said my uterus looked perfect...wow, what a compliment. We will go back next week to discuss blood work and the next steps, which is very exciting for me. Who knows what this year will hold?!?
As I think about last year, I can't help but to think about two (out of the several) ladies who I was able to connect with through infertility. Wow! What a blessing they both have been to me. This journey is tough, but it's easier when you have friends who are walking the same road to travel it with. And I've prayed for these ladies, prayed that God would bless them with the children they've longed for and waited for for so long. And guess what? Both of them will become mothers this year!!! God is in the business of miracles and He's still working them. I know He can work a miracle in me too and they give me even more hope to believe that.
Speaking of my little miracle yet to come, I've been to the fertility clinic three times in three weeks and will go again next week to make it four for four, haha! The first was the initial consult in which we talked to the doctor and I had an ultrasound done (found MANY follicles on each ovary which is what happens with PCOS, but it's not a good thing obviously), the second was on Christmas Eve for a major blood draw (12 tubes!!), and the third was yesterday for my HSG, which really wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. And everything looked good, nothing blocking my tubes. The doctor even said my uterus looked perfect...wow, what a compliment. We will go back next week to discuss blood work and the next steps, which is very exciting for me. Who knows what this year will hold?!?
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