Why is it that when you share a struggle with people they want to give you 'advice' that you didn't ask for? (And before I go any further, I'm sure I've been guilty of it in the past, but after experiencing infertility I'm not going to do it anymore!) I've had people tell me everything from 'just don't think about it' to 'it'll happen when you stop trying' (REALLY, because I thought you actually had to have sex to get pregnant!), and my ever favorite one, 'you can just adopt.' I even had one lady who told me, "You know how to fix that problem right? Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant." Seriously?! You should really let the specialists know that you've found the cure all for infertility...adoption! I've also been given the wonderful advice on which positions are best and about putting pillows under your butt afterwards...even propping your feet up on the wall. Golly gee whiz I can't wait to try your methods so I can get pregnant tonight! Grrrr, people really don't get it. And this is why I don't share my infertility with people. Because I don't want their stupid, unsolicited advice. And I don't want to be asked every couple of weeks how "things" are going. Unless you are infertile too, don't ask me because you don't get it. You don't understand what it's like to find out that everyone else is pregnant, including the people who weren't trying and didn't want it!
Bad day. No, I take that back. Bad week...
Friday, November 30, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Clomid Crazies
This round of Clomid really threw my hormones out of whack! I started taking it last Wednesday and felt the moodiness by Thursday afternoon. Let's just say I didn't have the most wonderful Thanksgiving. I took 50 mg, for two months, and didn't have any bad side effects on my moods. I was pleasantly surprised because I had talked to a few people who told me that it gave them terrible mood swings, which I'm affectionately calling 'the Clomid crazies'. :) So this month I took 75 mg., but I never thought that 25 mg could make such a different on how it affected me. I was like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I was crying, the next I was mad at my husband for breathing too loud, and the next I was just down-in-the-dumps depressed. It was absolutely awful. And I tried my best to control it, but it was next to impossible. Thank goodness my husband realized that the meds were really messing with my hormones and he didn't take my craziness to heart. I don't know if I can handle another month of it! Especially not if I have to take higher dosages.
I decided to take it this month to see if it would work because I've noticed a pattern with my cycle since the summer. I skipped June, then had a period in July and August. Then I skipped September and got a period in October and November. So that would mean (maybe) that I would skip this month. So I want to see if the Clomid is even really working or if the one time I got good results from progesterone levels was just coincidence. If I don't ovulate this month, then the Clomid is obviously not working. Which means that we'll be seeing a specialist when the new year rolls around. Actually, we'll still probably see a specialist even if the Clomid works! My regular OB just doesn't seem to be concerned about me not being able to get pregnant. I want to go to a doctor who cares and will do whatever he can to help me and not just throw meds at me.
Anyway, the Clomid crazies are coming to an end, and this afternoon I started to feel a little more like myself and less on edge and moody. Thank goodness!
I decided to take it this month to see if it would work because I've noticed a pattern with my cycle since the summer. I skipped June, then had a period in July and August. Then I skipped September and got a period in October and November. So that would mean (maybe) that I would skip this month. So I want to see if the Clomid is even really working or if the one time I got good results from progesterone levels was just coincidence. If I don't ovulate this month, then the Clomid is obviously not working. Which means that we'll be seeing a specialist when the new year rolls around. Actually, we'll still probably see a specialist even if the Clomid works! My regular OB just doesn't seem to be concerned about me not being able to get pregnant. I want to go to a doctor who cares and will do whatever he can to help me and not just throw meds at me.
Anyway, the Clomid crazies are coming to an end, and this afternoon I started to feel a little more like myself and less on edge and moody. Thank goodness!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Just Send Me a Text!
I've often joked about how I wish God would just send me a text or call me and let me know how things are going to turn out. :) Well, this week I believe he did just that.
Here's how it all started...
Wednesday, mid-morning, I noticed very light spotting. Great. My period was coming. I was crushed, absolutely crushed. I was certain that this might be the month. And it's been a long time since I've felt that way. Recently, I've been glad to at least get my period because then I knew my body was functioning. Not this time. The sadness that welled up inside me was unexplainable. I was just sad and broken. I cried the whole way home from work. More recently when I've gotten upset about this journey my first response is to become angry and mad and question God. But Wednesday afternoon was different. I didn't ask why and I wasn't even mad. Just hurt. Tears streamed down my face and I wanted to curl up on my couch and sleep for the rest of the evening.
No one gets it. No one understands.
I do, however, have one amazing friend (I'll call her A) who I share everything with. She gets it. She understands. She's been there and done that. I can be open and honest with her without feeling judged and know she cares for me. And I couldn't wait to email her on Thursday morning and tell her all about my heartbreak...especially because just 2 days before, I had sent an email to tell her I thought this may be the month!
Thursday morning I arrived at school early to do morning duty. At 7:00 as I'm turning on my computer my phone begins to vibrate. It's A calling. At 7:00?! We don't talk on the phone all that often, and especially not at 7 am. My first reaction was panic, wondering if everything was okay. When I answered the phone I could hear excitement in her voice. As she talked I realized she was excited about something for me. Weird. She tells me that when she woke up I was on her mind. That when she read from her Bible the story reminded her of me. She was so excited that she couldn't wait to send our daily emails, she just felt the need to call right then! The story A read came from Luke about a boy who was blind. People were questioning Jesus as to why he was blind. Was it his parent's fault? Was it his fault? Jesus told them HE made him that way. For a purpose. And I've been made my way (infertile) for a purpose. As we continued to talk, A shared with me that she felt certain that God had a purpose in all this for me. That I would have a testimony one day and be healed and we'd be rejoicing over my children one day. She felt the Lord telling her that...about me! Then, as she was getting in her car to leave for work, she heard another message on the radio through a song. MY song, as we like to call it. 'While I'm Waiting' was playing on the radio and A said she felt that was God's assurance that my blessings are coming. There is a promise yet fulfilled. The most amazing part of this story to me is that she didn't even know about how I was feeling the day before when I realized that this wasn't the month. She didn't know I was hurting and needed words of encouragement. In fact, the last she knew was that I thought I could be pregnant. Now you tell me that God didn't see my pain and give her that message to give to me!
So I finally got my phone call from God that I've been asking for. :) Only He sent A to be His voice. I don't think I could've gotten a clearer message. If it would've been a dream, a scripture, a song, even a daily devotion emailed to me, I'd question it. I'd find some way to rationalize it in my head as a coincidence. Not this time. It was too perfect; a true God moment.
Here's how it all started...
Wednesday, mid-morning, I noticed very light spotting. Great. My period was coming. I was crushed, absolutely crushed. I was certain that this might be the month. And it's been a long time since I've felt that way. Recently, I've been glad to at least get my period because then I knew my body was functioning. Not this time. The sadness that welled up inside me was unexplainable. I was just sad and broken. I cried the whole way home from work. More recently when I've gotten upset about this journey my first response is to become angry and mad and question God. But Wednesday afternoon was different. I didn't ask why and I wasn't even mad. Just hurt. Tears streamed down my face and I wanted to curl up on my couch and sleep for the rest of the evening.
No one gets it. No one understands.
I do, however, have one amazing friend (I'll call her A) who I share everything with. She gets it. She understands. She's been there and done that. I can be open and honest with her without feeling judged and know she cares for me. And I couldn't wait to email her on Thursday morning and tell her all about my heartbreak...especially because just 2 days before, I had sent an email to tell her I thought this may be the month!
Thursday morning I arrived at school early to do morning duty. At 7:00 as I'm turning on my computer my phone begins to vibrate. It's A calling. At 7:00?! We don't talk on the phone all that often, and especially not at 7 am. My first reaction was panic, wondering if everything was okay. When I answered the phone I could hear excitement in her voice. As she talked I realized she was excited about something for me. Weird. She tells me that when she woke up I was on her mind. That when she read from her Bible the story reminded her of me. She was so excited that she couldn't wait to send our daily emails, she just felt the need to call right then! The story A read came from Luke about a boy who was blind. People were questioning Jesus as to why he was blind. Was it his parent's fault? Was it his fault? Jesus told them HE made him that way. For a purpose. And I've been made my way (infertile) for a purpose. As we continued to talk, A shared with me that she felt certain that God had a purpose in all this for me. That I would have a testimony one day and be healed and we'd be rejoicing over my children one day. She felt the Lord telling her that...about me! Then, as she was getting in her car to leave for work, she heard another message on the radio through a song. MY song, as we like to call it. 'While I'm Waiting' was playing on the radio and A said she felt that was God's assurance that my blessings are coming. There is a promise yet fulfilled. The most amazing part of this story to me is that she didn't even know about how I was feeling the day before when I realized that this wasn't the month. She didn't know I was hurting and needed words of encouragement. In fact, the last she knew was that I thought I could be pregnant. Now you tell me that God didn't see my pain and give her that message to give to me!
So I finally got my phone call from God that I've been asking for. :) Only He sent A to be His voice. I don't think I could've gotten a clearer message. If it would've been a dream, a scripture, a song, even a daily devotion emailed to me, I'd question it. I'd find some way to rationalize it in my head as a coincidence. Not this time. It was too perfect; a true God moment.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Childless is not Less
I was reading in my Bible a few minutes ago and came across a reading with the topic 'Infertility'. So of course I read it. Here is part of what it said:
"Infertility is defined by the medical community as the inability to achieve pregnancy after a year or more of regular sexual relations without contraception or the inability to carry repeated pregnancies to live birth. About 15 percent of all married couples today are infertile. Although there are numerous causes of infertility in women and men, medical advances have made it possible to diagnose and treat many of them. Still, some couples remain childless despite years of treatment. A couple's decision to manage the timing of conception, pursue fertility measures, or adopt a child is a responsibility they share before God, the Author of life. 'Childless' is not 'less' if that is God's perfect will for a couple."
So on those days when people try to give you unsolicited advice or make rude and hurtful comments about your choices in creating a family, remember that you only answer to one...God. And the best part is He is in control anyway! Stay strong. :)
"Infertility is defined by the medical community as the inability to achieve pregnancy after a year or more of regular sexual relations without contraception or the inability to carry repeated pregnancies to live birth. About 15 percent of all married couples today are infertile. Although there are numerous causes of infertility in women and men, medical advances have made it possible to diagnose and treat many of them. Still, some couples remain childless despite years of treatment. A couple's decision to manage the timing of conception, pursue fertility measures, or adopt a child is a responsibility they share before God, the Author of life. 'Childless' is not 'less' if that is God's perfect will for a couple."
So on those days when people try to give you unsolicited advice or make rude and hurtful comments about your choices in creating a family, remember that you only answer to one...God. And the best part is He is in control anyway! Stay strong. :)
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