5 Years and Counting

This post is dedicated to my husband on our five year anniversary. I love you!

 First of all, I have the best man ever, and I hope all you ladies think yours is the best, but MINE is. :) He has been my rock through all of this infertility junk. He's been my shoulder to cry on, my friend to laugh with, my adviser to help make decisions, even the housekeeper when I've been too tired or worn down to clean. And best of all, he is a man of God. His faith is so strong and has taught me more about trusting the Lord with EVERY part of my life. He never gets tired of my infertility talk, or at least he doesn't make it known. He just comforts me with his love and support. I've always known that we were perfect for each other, our personalities are so alike yet different. Whatever I lack he makes up for! But after facing infertility, I see even more how God had a perfect plan when he put us together...way back in high school! (middle school if you count the "boyfriend/girlfriend", parents take us to the movies, talk on the phone 'til midnight stuff) Anyway, I can't wait to see what the next five years brings us. Hopefully children, but we shall see! Whatever it is, we're in it together.

 "Love is patient, love is kind...it it not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5,7-8

Father's Day

I said I was letting go, and I am...but it still hurts some days.  Yesterday was a little tough to endure, with it being Father's Day, and the fact that my period has still not made an appearance (day 37 of my cycle!) is a little disappointing. Saturday is our 5 year anniversary and Jonathan wants me to take a test.  He's holding out hope that I may be pregnant and that it would be great to find out on our anniversary, but I'm not expecting too much.  It sounds negative, but it's just how I keep myself from being hurt.  If I don't have the expectation, then it won't be as painful.

So yesterday in church they of course recognized all the fathers, which is great because they deserve to be recognized!  I was doing good-no crying and no feeling sad. During the sermon, however, I wasn't so good.  The speaker (not our pastor since he was out of town at a conference) began to name men in the church who act as fathers to young boys who may not have that figure in the home.  He mentioned my husband.  Then he used the word "daddy" to describe him and the other men.  My heart broke.  Tears filled my eyes at the thought of my husband being such good daddy material, but yet unable to have someone call him that.  He is so amazing and would be the best father I could ever imagine for our children to have! I want that so bad for him and I can't help feeling that it's my fault.  After all, it is my body that is "broken".  For the rest of the sermon it was difficult to focus.  Honestly, I didn't want to.  I didn't want to hear all the things about being a father or the personal stories of joy from fatherhood.  Unfortunately I did hear more.  He made a comment about how when kids turn about 3, you wish you could give them back and get a refund.  Something along those lines.  Anyway, it was meant to be funny and most everyone laughed.  Except me.  I didn't find it funny.         To hear parents say things about giving their kids away (of course in good humor) angers me! If they only knew.  The difficulties we've endured of seeing one pink line month after month, doctor appointments, timed (unromantic!) sex, waiting and wondering during that 2 week time period, and tears of heartache and disappointment.  I'll never say those things about my child.  When this baby does finally arrive I will gladly take every bad day and rejoice in the fact that I have such a gift!

So my prayer yesterday was that by next Father's Day I (and all of my mommy-in-waiting friends) will have a baby (or babies!!) to hold.  

"Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you."  Matthew 7:7

The Next Steps

I went to see my new doctor yesterday and I already love him! He made me feel so comfortable and really explained things to me AND answered all of my many questions without getting annoyed or writing me off as crazy. :) He seems to think the next logical step to take is using Clomid. By the way my body has reacted to the metformin and the blood work they've done, he says that's our best option right now. So part of me is apprehensive because he said that he is sure I am ovulating because of my regular cycles and the spike in my BBT, but the timing is just not consistent from month to month, which means we are basically just hoping to have sex on the right day each month. We're playing a guessing game. In a way, I want to just keep trying on our own instead of trying to intervene, like Sarah in the Bible when she told Abraham to sleep with her maidservant, Hagar, since she herself couldn't give Abraham a baby. And things didn't turn out so great in that situation because it wasn't God's plan. On the other hand, I feel like taking the Clomid would just help to regulate me, not necessarily get me pregnant. It would help us determine when I'm ovulating for sure to give us a better chance. And then from there if that doesn't work, we may know that there is something more serious going on. I DON'T KNOW!!! I never thought I would have any hang-ups about this, that I would just do whatever it took to have a baby. Tentatively, the hubs and I talked and we are going to try once more on our own and if nothing happens I will start the Clomid during my July/August cycle. But who knows...I may change my mind yet again.

Letting Go

Hmmm, where do I begin? First of all I've had no signs of ovulation (basal body temperature or tests strips) and it's day 24 of my cycle. Secondly, I decided to take a pregnancy test to make sure that's why I haven't ovulated. One pink line. Thirdly, I called my OB's office and made a consultative appointment with a NEW doctor who specializes in infertility. It was a pretty rough morning/afternoon. I even burst into tears as I hung up the phone from making the appt. because I felt so defeated. Making that appt. meant I was admitting that I needed assistance in conceiving, and I was so sure we could do it on our own. :(

But a few minutes ago I was reading my book, "Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby?", and read about giving up control and surrendering my desires to God's will. I've prayed before about it and said I surrendered, but I picked it right back up. Today is going to be different! I am letting go. There is ultimately nothing I can do in this process. It's up to God. He is in control of everything, always has been, always will be. :) How comforting! I know (without a doubt in my mind) that we will have children. What I don't know is HOW we will get that precious gift. Whether through adoption, fertility treatments, foster care, I don't know. But what I do know is that the Lord's grace is sufficient for me. Whatever He wants for my life I can handle. It may not always be easy, God never promised us easy, but He'll get me through.

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."