To Be or Not to Be

Am I or aren't I? Pregnant that is. My period hasn't come yet and I have 3 HPTs sitting in my bathroom, but I'm too scared to test. I just know its going to be negative. Or could it be possible that I might just see the two pinks lines I've been longing for for two years?!? Part of me feels like my body is giving me all the signs of my period, but then I wonder if its just me convincing myself of it and I really am not having symptoms of my period.  A very small part of me is so excited and hopeful,  but I've been crushed so many times that I won't let myself cling to those positive feelings. I know it seems stupid; just take the test Jessica. That's probably what you're thinking. I can't explain the absolute fear that I feel just thinking about taking a test. I'd rather wait a few days and get my period than see another negative.

I don't feel any different though. And my progesterone was low last week. Aren't you supposed to feel different if you are pregnant? Nausea, sore breasts, and all that other stuff? So I can't be pregnant if I don't feel any of those things. Right?!?! I should just suck it up and take the stupid test...but I won't.

Mixed Signals

I went yesterday for a progesterone check. My RE office always calls me back on my cell...except yesterday when I was gone from 8:00-4:00. I didn't even know they had left a message for me at home until an hour after I got home. Since it was Sunday I couldn't call back for any clarification, which I desperately needed.

The nurse said that my progesterone was "suboptimal mid-luteal". What?!?! Of course I googled that and didn't really find anything. My level was actually 9.9 and the nurse stated that the doctor wants it around 15 or at least above 10.  So now I have to take progesterone supplements to make my level more optimal for implantation, or at least that's how I understood it when I called the nurse back today.

But here's what I'm nervous about. Before I even started seeing a specialist, I had my progesterone checked a few times while taking Clomid from my OB. Twice my level was right around 10, just like it was yesterday. Neither of those times before resulted in pregnancy, obviously, so I'm now concerned that it means this IUI didn't work. :/  I did ask the nurse if that's what it meant, because I'd rather just know now instead of waiting around all week only to start my period on Mother's Day. She claims that it does not mean it didn't work. I even asked her about how my other progesterone checks were around the same number, but she said it didn't matter. I guess that got my hopes up a little bit, but I'm still anxious about if the IUI was successful or not.

I don't know what to think. I do know that sitting around worrying about it isn't going to change a thing. I also know that it doesn't matter what my progesterone was, God can work miracles if He so chooses (as I was reminded by a good friend at work today)!
And I know that this has been the most difficult two week wait yet!