MORE Exciting News

My sister is engaged!!! I'm so excited for her and can't wait to go and do all the fun matron of honor stuff with her. She will be a beautiful bride. That's all, just wanted to share. :)

Good News!

I just received a call from my doctor's office with my blood work results. My AMH levels came down significantly and we can move forward in the process of trying to conceive!!!!!!  I'm thrilled and over the moon right now. :)  However, since we don't have a "plan" of what we will do next, I still have to continue my birth control. Once we meet with the doctor and decide what to do (Clomid, other drugs, IUI) then I can stop taking the pills and we can try again. Whew! What a relief. I seriously feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now if I could just get the other 19 weights removed I'd be alright. :)

Still Just Waiting

Have you ever gone to an appointment and sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever? You felt like you saw people come and go and you read every magazine there is to read (besides the parenting ones and the 'I'm a new mom' ones!), but you are still just waiting.  You know there is nothing you can do really. You could complain, but then the people who work in the office where you are waiting will talk about you and maybe even make you wait longer just to spite you. Or you could just leave and say you don't have time to wait any longer, but you know you will just be right back in the same spot when you have to reschedule the appointment.

This is where I am. Stuck. Waiting. Watching people come and go with cute pregnant bellies while mine is still just flabby from eating too many carbs. :) Reading every bit of research on the Internet and from my reproductive endocrinologist...I know about things that only medical professionals should know! I cry now and again and complain that I've waited long enough, but it doesn't change my situation. Other people just think I'm an emotional wreck (aka crazy) and can't understand why I would be so upset after hearing about the newly pregnant girl at work and how she spent the morning throwing up in the bathroom. I want to spend my mornings throwing up in the bathroom!!!! I could give up and quit, but I know I'd be wanting to try again soon so I might as well just stick it out.

At this moment I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor with results from my blood work. Will I be able to come off the pill? Will we be able to try again?! Or am I stuck on birth control for another month while my hormone levels continue to spike?

BUT, I know there is purpose in the wait. I'm not sure what it is, but I'll know one day and this waiting game will make sense to me. In the past week, two of the daily devotions I get by email have been about waiting. Waiting on God. Literally waiting on Him, as in serving him like a waiter would do. And really, what else would I do...pout? Yeah, I could do that (and some days I do), but I shouldn't stop serving Him because life isn't what I planned. After all, He did send His Son to die for me so the least I can do is serve Him and give Him my heart. So even though I'm stuck in the waiting room, I'm going to make it through. I'll see the doctor, the Great Physician, when He's ready and He'll bring healing and comfort and answers. Even if it's not the answers I was hoping for.

"Wait on The Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on The Lord." Psalms 27:14

Month #2

Month number one on birth control seemed to last an eternity!! I'm hoping this month goes a little faster and that my blood work will show numbers my doctor is happy with so I can stop taking it.  I haven't called yet to make the appointment, so I don't know when I will go.  It's long distance to call the office from a land line, and since we don't have long distance I can't call from my house.  AND our cell phone reception is terrible at our house, so I can't call from my cell either.  I literally have to get in my car and drive around the block if I want to call my reproductive endocrinologist.  How annoying?!?  

Nothing else exciting is happening...just waiting.  Story of my life for the past two years.  I don't know when the waiting will end, but it has actually gotten easier.  (I can't believe I actually just typed that!) Through this journey I've learned to trust in God more and that there is nothing I can do to change His plan for me.  No amount of kicking, screaming, or crying is going to change my situation.  Which is comforting because I know that He is in total control of everything that goes on in my life.  I mean, of course I have free will and the ability to make decisions and choose what I will and will not do, but God will still find a way to make His plans for me come to fruition, even if I make it difficult for Him!

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"  Matthew 7:11

Twiddling My Thumbs

Nothing exciting happening. Half way through my first month of birth control and it feels like I've been on it for an eternity already! Oh I hope that after this first month my hormone levels are where the doctor wants them to be. These next two weeks are going to d r a g on!

Grin and Bear It

After much deliberation and even some tears, I started taking the birth control last night. Ugh!! But here's what I realized about my reservations: besides the fact that I was worried it will mess my cycle up again, I had to face the fact that I will not get pregnant this month. Wow.  For some reason that really shook me and I was almost adamant against taking the pills. We've been trying for almost two years, and month after month I've seen one pink line.  But each month I still had hope way in the back of my mind that it might happen. That's the crazy infertile brain...telling yourself it will happen while believing that this is totally not the month but at the same time thinking 'this is going to be it'!! Haha, see it's crazy. :) Anyway, with being on the pill it's certain that there will be no baby this month. Certain. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. All these months of trying and hoping and praying, and now I'm stopping any ability I would have had to get pregnant. I kept asking myself, "What if this was supposed to be the month and I just ruined it by taking birth control?" Should I have waited one more month? But I feel like that's all I've been saying for the past year...just one more month. Infertility really does make a person feel crazy!  I wanted to see a specialist and do whatever it took, and now I'm questioning the doctor's suggestions for treatment.  But I decided to suck it up and trust that he knows better than me...even if I have "researched" it (aka asked Dr. Google) and think I know more than he and his 3 medical degrees do.

You Want Me To Do What?!

This past Tuesday my husband and I went for our follow-up appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist. After having a ton of blood work done on Christmas Eve, I was ready to finally get the results back. My appointment was at 3:30, so we were asked to be there at 3:15. With me being more of an early bird (and I was super anxious about the results we would be getting) we got there a little after 3:00. Well, we waited and waited and waited. Then we waited some more. Finally, at 3:55 I asked the receptionist when we would be seen! My nervous heart was about to beat out of my chest and the longer we waited to see the doctor the worse it got. :) We were finally called back about 10 min. later and led to the doctor's office.

I've only been to this facility 4 times, and 3 of those times I've seen the doctor. And I have to say, every time I speak to him he is so pleasant and friendly. Just seeing him, shaking his hand, and saying hello calmed my nerves! We sat down and he got right to business with giving me results. He had many numbers pulled up on his computer screen and x-ray and ultrasound pictures scattered across his desk. He proceeded to tell me that I have a classic case of PCOS and that my pituitary gland secretes too much all the time, when it should be secreting a low amount until around ovulation to signal my ovaries to create a follicle and release an egg. This causes my ovaries to be confused and think they constantly need to make follicles, which don't always mature, hence the reason my ovaries are covered with follicles (cysts) and why I have polycystic ovaries. Thanks pituitary gland! Anyway, out of all of the levels he tested and all of the blood work that was done, he only found one other hormone level that was too high. I can't remember what it was, AMH or something like that. He didn't go into much detail about it, only offered a solution to bring it down so we could start some treatments.

His solution...birth control. Excuse me? Did you just tell me to take birth control when I'm trying to get pregnant?! How is that supposed to help? I was totally confused and honestly, a little upset. I had sworn off birth control after I came off of it in March 2011 and had so many problems getting a regular period. I attributed all of my struggles to get pregnant to taking birth control for 4 years. And even now, it's hard for me not to still think that birth control is part of the reason I'm infertile. My first reaction (in my mind) was "no way, I'm not taking it." But as he started to explain why, it began to make more sense, although I'm still not thrilled about the thought of taking birth control. He said my ovaries are hyperstimulated and taking the birth control would actually help them return to a more normal state. The hormone that was too high will also come down with the use of birth control. Once that hormone gets back to a normal level, then he will take me off of the birth control and try Clomid again.  The doctor also suggested that we try an IUI with the use of the Clomid, just to be proactive in the process.  It's not really the news I was expecting, although I don't really know what news I was hoping for. :)

He did have one positive comment about my treatment. "This should be a fairly simple process once we get your hormone level where it needs to be." Hmm, do I believe it? It sounded good, but for some reason it didn't give me any more peace about my infertility or any more hope.  I had a brief, VERY brief, moment of excitement, but it was quickly replaced with doubt. I'm so scared to let myself believe him and get my hopes up for success. At the same time, I feel like I'm doubting God and having no trust in Him. I know there've been times before where I felt Him speaking to me and telling me that my time is coming. I just have to wait. But I've waited for a while, and my heart has become hardened to believing in good things for my future. I know in my head that His timing is perfect, I'm just having difficulty knowing it in my heart.