How Rude!

Sometimes I tell my students at school to use their common sense. Sometimes I tell them that common sense is not so common. They're kids, so I give them a break. But adults?! I mean seriously, common sense is NOT so common among them (us) it seems. If you know that someone is battling infertility, the first question you ask them after 4 months since you last saw them should not be 'So, are you pregnant yet?' Aghhhhh! I'm just going to say it...people are stupid! Why in the world would you ask me that???  I think the look on my face, while I was politely trying to say 'No, not yet', said it all.  I wouldn't dream of going up to someone who was battling cancer and asking them, "So, are you cured yet?" Think people, THINK!!! There should be some rule that you are not allowed to talk to someone about their struggles until you've experienced it yourself. I've said it before, but if there is one thing I've learned from infertility it's to think before I speak.

His Will

This weekend I took my group of teenage girls from church to Myrtle Beach for a conference. The weather was perfect, we stayed right on the beach, and it was just beautiful! In fact, when I woke up Saturday morning I saw this beautiful sunrise.
                                       
                                    

I thought this would be the perfect time for me to really "forget" about conceiving.  And we are still taking a break from using meds and OPKs and pretty much thinking about it in general, but lets face it...it's pretty difficult to completely put out of your mind. :)  Instead, I thought about it more this weekend than I have in the past month!  Even at a convention for teenage girls, there were babies or talk of babies.  I began to feel less like a woman.  I'm at this point where I feel that my life isn't worth something because I'm not a mom.  Is that crazy? Does anyone else ever feel that way?  And I'm 27, which I thought by now I'd have a child and maybe one on the way!  So I was feeling kind of worthless and even useless.  If I can't be a mom then what's the point?

The focal scripture verses for the week came from Romans 12:1-2 which says, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may be able to prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

Most of the speakers focused on that last part, to not be conformed to the world but transformed and to know that God has a perfect will for our lives. Many times a speaker said something along the lines of, "Are you where you thought you would be?  Are your plans the same as God's plans?"  It made me think about this past year and how MY plan hasn't come to fruition like I PLANNED. :)  But that's just it...it's not about my plan. God has a perfect will for my life and I need to let Him lead and carry out HIS plan. It's not easy. In fact, it is very difficult most days to remember that and to not try to control things and have the perfect plan.

This morning as I read my daily devotion from Proverbs 31 (which by the way is a free daily devotional email and it's very good, so sign up at proverbs31.org), guess what one of the focal verses was? Yep, Romans 12:2. His will is perfect, and I believe the Lord is trying to show me to trust that. I'm just hard headed and stubborn sometimes!

 

Surprise!

No, I'm not pregnant. :) But apparently every other woman in my town is. I just left Target and lost count of the pregnant women. And the other night we went to eat and then to get groceries, and between those two places I saw about 7 big bellies!!!

Anyway, the surprise is Aunt Flo decided to show up today. I didn't even have the usual symptoms: sore breasts, moody, fatigue. Although now that I think about it, I was awfully emotional last weekend and slept horrible 2 nights ago. I always have a restless night of sleep right before my period starts, weird I know. Many women would dread it...but I'm jumping for joy! The best part is I didn't have to take any progesterone. Last time my cycle was this irregular it was 67 days, but this time it's only 49 days. Whoo hoo! So I wondered if I should take my Clomid 75 mg. this time, but I'm pretty sure I won't because I have plans to be out of town around days 14-16 and of course my husband will not be with me. It's a girls only thing. So I'd feel like I was wasting pills if I took them and then couldn't even make the best of our chances. After a year and a half of waiting, what's one more month?! Plus I am so stressed out with work I don't have time to worry about conceiving. (Ok that's kind of a lie, but I am really stressed! :))

Taking a Break

With my not-so-great progesterone results and my missing period, we are taking a break from trying. Not that I still wouldn't be thrilled to get pregnant, but I'm not taking any meds to make me start my period or ovulate. When it comes, it comes. I'm stressed out with work and I don't need the added stress of creating life...or trying to. I wonder what it will be like to have spontaneous, romantic sex again? Haha!! We are just going to enjoy life together and be thankful for all the blessings that we do have. Now, we will eventually start this process again (taking meds, doctor visits, blood draws, tears, negative tests, etc.), but I think we will wait until after the holidays. And I'm actually excited about this. For once in the past year and a half, I don't have to worry about what my body is doing (or in my case, ISN'T doing). That's not to say that I still won't have days where I get emotional and cry when I hear Michael Buble's 'Just Haven't Met You Yet' :), but I hope to have less of those days since my focus will not be on trying to get pregnant.

One more thing I wanted to share. Today at work I was feeling frustrated with some things that were happening, so after I got all of my students taken out to the bus, I came back to my classroom to just pray. I remembered that I had a devotional book for teachers on my bookshelf and I picked it up to read. It has a devotion for every day of the year, and since I'm always super busy at work, I hardly ever read it. So I just asked God that whatever page I turned to would be the words that He wanted me to hear. I immediately got goosebumps all over my body as soon as I asked at, like He was saying ok (and the air was not on in my room, it was actually kind of warm, so the goosebumps weren't from that :)). I read this verse from Galatians 3:

"'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'" (vs. 24)

I just wanted to shout 'YES!'. So I decided to read the whole chapter and I am glad I did. If you get a chance...read it! Even though we walk through tough times, God is still with us. He never leaves us alone. The very next verse (vs. 25) said, "The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him." He wants me to rely on Him and come to Him with my needs, desires, problems, requests, and even my complaints! He wants me to seek Him.

One last verse to end with, and it's one of my favorites!
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Now What?

I called my OB office again today and once I was transferred 3 times, I got the results of my blood work. My progesterone level was 0.7. No ovulation. I mean, I kind of already figured that, but hearing it really hit me hard. Of course I was at work, so I had to hold it together. But as soon as I got in the car and left, I lost it. I feel so defeated. Where do I go from here? Do we take a break from trying? Do I go to a specialist?

I ovulated last month on meds, and this month on the same meds nothing happened. I did ask the nurse if I could up my dosage and the doctor actually called me back later and told me to take 75 mg of Clomid during my cycle. Who knows when that will be. So for now I will try my best to enjoy life with just my husband and me. I won't worry about my period coming or not. If it does, I'll take the Clomid. However, if by 2013 things aren't changing, I think I will see a specialist.  

One day all of this WILL be worth it.  

I Need My Lab Work, So Call Me Maybe?!

I had my blood drawn on Monday to check my progesterone levels. So I called today to get results. Do you think I could get anyone to answer the nurse line? No! The second time I called I left a message, despite their outgoing message that said to only leave a message about labs if it's been more than two weeks. Two weeks?!?!? Are they crazy? By then I'll have started my next period (hopefully, or maybe not if I'm pregnant...which I doubt) and will have needed to start my Clomid again. If I didn't ovulate, then I need to ask the doctor to up my dosage or something! I am so frustrated with them. Granted, they are not specialists, but still!!! No one wants to wait 2 weeks to find out whether or not they ovulated, especially if they are trying to get pregnant. I kept my phone on the rest of the day and planned on answering it even if I was in the middle of teaching. Do you think they called back? No! And here's the kicker, they close early on Fridays now...which is tomorrow. I will not have a chance to call until at least 10:30.  I plan on writing a letter to the office manager to complain. Even last time I had my progesterone checked (even though I called and got results in 2 days) they didn't call ME back until 2 weeks after that. I was already on day 5 of my period! Ridiculous.

So now I'm really leaning heavily toward seeing a specialist. At least they might have more courtesy and at least ACT like they care. 

No Smileys :(

Today is day 18-ish ("ish" because my period was weird and I don't know what to consider my actual start date) and my expensive OPK has still not shown a smiley face. So no ovulation. :(  That's about how I feel right now. Just sad and frustrated and disheartened and everything else that comes with infertility. I will still have to go in for a progesterone draw, so maybe after the results come back they will bump me up to 100 mg of Clomid.