Father's Day

I said I was letting go, and I am...but it still hurts some days.  Yesterday was a little tough to endure, with it being Father's Day, and the fact that my period has still not made an appearance (day 37 of my cycle!) is a little disappointing. Saturday is our 5 year anniversary and Jonathan wants me to take a test.  He's holding out hope that I may be pregnant and that it would be great to find out on our anniversary, but I'm not expecting too much.  It sounds negative, but it's just how I keep myself from being hurt.  If I don't have the expectation, then it won't be as painful.

So yesterday in church they of course recognized all the fathers, which is great because they deserve to be recognized!  I was doing good-no crying and no feeling sad. During the sermon, however, I wasn't so good.  The speaker (not our pastor since he was out of town at a conference) began to name men in the church who act as fathers to young boys who may not have that figure in the home.  He mentioned my husband.  Then he used the word "daddy" to describe him and the other men.  My heart broke.  Tears filled my eyes at the thought of my husband being such good daddy material, but yet unable to have someone call him that.  He is so amazing and would be the best father I could ever imagine for our children to have! I want that so bad for him and I can't help feeling that it's my fault.  After all, it is my body that is "broken".  For the rest of the sermon it was difficult to focus.  Honestly, I didn't want to.  I didn't want to hear all the things about being a father or the personal stories of joy from fatherhood.  Unfortunately I did hear more.  He made a comment about how when kids turn about 3, you wish you could give them back and get a refund.  Something along those lines.  Anyway, it was meant to be funny and most everyone laughed.  Except me.  I didn't find it funny.         To hear parents say things about giving their kids away (of course in good humor) angers me! If they only knew.  The difficulties we've endured of seeing one pink line month after month, doctor appointments, timed (unromantic!) sex, waiting and wondering during that 2 week time period, and tears of heartache and disappointment.  I'll never say those things about my child.  When this baby does finally arrive I will gladly take every bad day and rejoice in the fact that I have such a gift!

So my prayer yesterday was that by next Father's Day I (and all of my mommy-in-waiting friends) will have a baby (or babies!!) to hold.  

"Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you."  Matthew 7:7