Unexpected Emotions

We finally got to go back and have a consultation with our doctor to decide on a plan. My husband and I had of course talked previously and we both felt like we wanted to try an IUI. The doctor gave us the okay and said that we could come back as soon as I had been off of the pill for 5 days. So we went back today. (And yay for no more birth control pills!!!!)

They drew blood from both my husband and me and did an ultrasound on me. They checked my follicles and the number of them decreased about 3 times from what they were back when we first went in December. In my case, this is a good thing. :) We were in and out in about 15 minutes and were instructed to wait for a phone call later in the day to let me know when to start the Clomid and when to come in for my next monitoring ultrasound.

We were both feeling excited and filled with new hope from starting a new treatment...until we had to checkout. The financial person showed me the IUI estimation, and even though my insurance covers 70% of my fertility treatments, the number I saw on that piece of paper shook me up.  I mean, in my mind I knew it would be expensive, and I actually thought it would be more than what she was showing me. She told us that we had to pay the amount first before she would approve us to go any further in the process. My husband was fine with and just said ok, but I was not. I didn't expect that paying for a fertility treatment would send me into the emotional roller coaster I experienced for the rest of the day. As I handed her my card, tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't help but feel that this is all my fault. It's not Jonathan's fault we can't have kids. My body is the one that's screwed up. I cried walking out of the office, going down the elevator, walking through the parking lot, and on the way home. I couldn't help but think that the money we just spent in hopes of creating life could've been used to pay my car payment for two months or to pay 2/3 of our monthly mortgage payment. And we just spent it on a POSSIBILITY. I also thought about all of the women (and girls) who get pregnant and didn't want to and can't afford to. Those people GET money from our government, but yet here I am paying for this treatment. It still just blows my mind and I can't quite wrap my mind around it and find peace about it.

Since I had only taken a half-day off of work, I had to go back for the afternoon. Like I said, I didn't expect to feel so emotional after this appointment so I didn't think I'd have any problems going back to work. Wrong! I literally cried for the first hour I got back. All I wanted to do was go home, lie on the couch, and cry. But I couldn't. And I couldn't believe how emotional I was about all of this!! What was wrong with me?! I was supposed to be happy and excited. No one told me how emotional it would be when the realization of how much money was being spent came into play.

I was still in my crying spell when I got a call back from the doctor's office. The nurse told me to go ahead and start taking the Clomid and to come in on April 21 for monitoring. Hopefully from that appointment we will know when to use the trigger shot of HCG and when the IUI will follow.

My day did get better and my emotions did calm down. I have a brand new appreciation for this journey. I can't really explain it, but it all of a sudden it seems more real.

"Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

MORE Exciting News

My sister is engaged!!! I'm so excited for her and can't wait to go and do all the fun matron of honor stuff with her. She will be a beautiful bride. That's all, just wanted to share. :)

Good News!

I just received a call from my doctor's office with my blood work results. My AMH levels came down significantly and we can move forward in the process of trying to conceive!!!!!!  I'm thrilled and over the moon right now. :)  However, since we don't have a "plan" of what we will do next, I still have to continue my birth control. Once we meet with the doctor and decide what to do (Clomid, other drugs, IUI) then I can stop taking the pills and we can try again. Whew! What a relief. I seriously feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now if I could just get the other 19 weights removed I'd be alright. :)

Still Just Waiting

Have you ever gone to an appointment and sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever? You felt like you saw people come and go and you read every magazine there is to read (besides the parenting ones and the 'I'm a new mom' ones!), but you are still just waiting.  You know there is nothing you can do really. You could complain, but then the people who work in the office where you are waiting will talk about you and maybe even make you wait longer just to spite you. Or you could just leave and say you don't have time to wait any longer, but you know you will just be right back in the same spot when you have to reschedule the appointment.

This is where I am. Stuck. Waiting. Watching people come and go with cute pregnant bellies while mine is still just flabby from eating too many carbs. :) Reading every bit of research on the Internet and from my reproductive endocrinologist...I know about things that only medical professionals should know! I cry now and again and complain that I've waited long enough, but it doesn't change my situation. Other people just think I'm an emotional wreck (aka crazy) and can't understand why I would be so upset after hearing about the newly pregnant girl at work and how she spent the morning throwing up in the bathroom. I want to spend my mornings throwing up in the bathroom!!!! I could give up and quit, but I know I'd be wanting to try again soon so I might as well just stick it out.

At this moment I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor with results from my blood work. Will I be able to come off the pill? Will we be able to try again?! Or am I stuck on birth control for another month while my hormone levels continue to spike?

BUT, I know there is purpose in the wait. I'm not sure what it is, but I'll know one day and this waiting game will make sense to me. In the past week, two of the daily devotions I get by email have been about waiting. Waiting on God. Literally waiting on Him, as in serving him like a waiter would do. And really, what else would I do...pout? Yeah, I could do that (and some days I do), but I shouldn't stop serving Him because life isn't what I planned. After all, He did send His Son to die for me so the least I can do is serve Him and give Him my heart. So even though I'm stuck in the waiting room, I'm going to make it through. I'll see the doctor, the Great Physician, when He's ready and He'll bring healing and comfort and answers. Even if it's not the answers I was hoping for.

"Wait on The Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on The Lord." Psalms 27:14

Month #2

Month number one on birth control seemed to last an eternity!! I'm hoping this month goes a little faster and that my blood work will show numbers my doctor is happy with so I can stop taking it.  I haven't called yet to make the appointment, so I don't know when I will go.  It's long distance to call the office from a land line, and since we don't have long distance I can't call from my house.  AND our cell phone reception is terrible at our house, so I can't call from my cell either.  I literally have to get in my car and drive around the block if I want to call my reproductive endocrinologist.  How annoying?!?  

Nothing else exciting is happening...just waiting.  Story of my life for the past two years.  I don't know when the waiting will end, but it has actually gotten easier.  (I can't believe I actually just typed that!) Through this journey I've learned to trust in God more and that there is nothing I can do to change His plan for me.  No amount of kicking, screaming, or crying is going to change my situation.  Which is comforting because I know that He is in total control of everything that goes on in my life.  I mean, of course I have free will and the ability to make decisions and choose what I will and will not do, but God will still find a way to make His plans for me come to fruition, even if I make it difficult for Him!

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"  Matthew 7:11

Twiddling My Thumbs

Nothing exciting happening. Half way through my first month of birth control and it feels like I've been on it for an eternity already! Oh I hope that after this first month my hormone levels are where the doctor wants them to be. These next two weeks are going to d r a g on!

Grin and Bear It

After much deliberation and even some tears, I started taking the birth control last night. Ugh!! But here's what I realized about my reservations: besides the fact that I was worried it will mess my cycle up again, I had to face the fact that I will not get pregnant this month. Wow.  For some reason that really shook me and I was almost adamant against taking the pills. We've been trying for almost two years, and month after month I've seen one pink line.  But each month I still had hope way in the back of my mind that it might happen. That's the crazy infertile brain...telling yourself it will happen while believing that this is totally not the month but at the same time thinking 'this is going to be it'!! Haha, see it's crazy. :) Anyway, with being on the pill it's certain that there will be no baby this month. Certain. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. All these months of trying and hoping and praying, and now I'm stopping any ability I would have had to get pregnant. I kept asking myself, "What if this was supposed to be the month and I just ruined it by taking birth control?" Should I have waited one more month? But I feel like that's all I've been saying for the past year...just one more month. Infertility really does make a person feel crazy!  I wanted to see a specialist and do whatever it took, and now I'm questioning the doctor's suggestions for treatment.  But I decided to suck it up and trust that he knows better than me...even if I have "researched" it (aka asked Dr. Google) and think I know more than he and his 3 medical degrees do.