God Is Not Enough

Lie. Truth: God IS enough. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." Psalm 23:1

I've recently started leading a Bible study with some of the teenage girls at my church. It's about lies we believe, and sometimes we don't even know we are believing them because we (or the world) convince ourselves it's a truth. As I read one of the lies yesterday, I realized I believed it for a long time. And if I'm honest, I probably still let it creep in and convince me it's a truth. The lie: God is not enough.

I never would've told anyone that God wasn't enough in my life. I'm a leader in the church, so how awful does that sound?! Ha. But my actions spoke louder than my words. For almost 2 years I lived as if God wasn't enough for me. I needed something else to be happy. A baby. If He would just give me a baby then everything would be alright and I'd have "enough".  There were moments where I was even angry at Him and questioned Him as to why this had to happen to me. I was a good person, so didn't I deserve good things? He was trying to show me that He was enough. During those hard times, times where I didn't want to face my friends or family or even get off the couch, He was there. He WAS enough. It took me almost 2 years to realize it, but maybe that was all part of His plan.

Only about 2 weeks before our IUI did I start to really believe that God was enough. Yes, I had posted before then that I was surrendering to His will and that I was at peace and so on, but this time was different. This time I actually believed that I would be okay.  No doubts.  It's so hard to put into words, but I'm going to take a stab at it.

We knew we were going to have an IUI done, we just weren't sure when. Leading up to it, I felt extremely nervous. Of course we wanted it to work and we'd both be crushed if it didn't. I prayed everyday about the outcome of the procedure. Something weird started happening though. Instead of praying for what I wanted (which was for it to work), I started praying for God's will to be done. And I meant it!! I would pray things like, "This is in Your hands and I'll be okay with whatever happens. Just don't leave me." And I truly did feel like I'd be okay. I would even imagine the IUI failing and anticipate my reactions. Would I still be sad? Absolutely! Who wouldn't be?! But I had this amazing assurance that if it did fail then God would pick me up and I would be okay. Life would go on. And I know I already said it, but I just knew I would be okay either way. (Like I said, this is really difficult to put into words!) I actually wish I would've posted this before we found out we were pregnant, because I feel that people will be thinking, "Well sure, she can say that now."  But really, I was going to be okay!! :)

On the morning of the IUI, before we went into the office, Jonathan and I prayed in our car for God's will to be done. And I had so much peace in my heart. No, I wasn't assured that this was going to work and yes, I was still hopeful that it would. But I had this peace that passes all understanding and that's when I really believed that God was enough for me. Whether or not we had children, He was enough. A very wise person once told me that "You'd rather be in the will of God and not have everything you want than be out of His will and have what you want instead." I said I believed it before, but I didn't really. Not until that moment when we prayed together in the car.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that He was enough for me and I didn't need more. When I look back I see how the Lord was chipping away at my heart and breaking down that lie I believed in, that He wasn't enough. Infertility was a tough road. There weren't many things, if any, that I would call 'good' about it. But I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, I'd do it all over again. Learning and believing in that one truth, that God is enough, was worth it all.

Transitions

It feels like forever since I've posted. Actually, it HAS been forever since my last post! To all my 3 readers out there, if you are still following me, I'm still alive :) and will post a little more often than I have been the past 2 months.

Life has been busy lately. Well, not any more busy than the normal person I guess, but some changes have happened and the past 2 months flew by before I realized it. One night I was thinking of all the many transitions a person can go through in life. Job change, or whole career change, death of loved ones, births and expanding families, moving, new relationships, health issues, and the list could go on.  Since my last post in May, my little family (me and the hubs) has experienced two of these transitions. First of all, Jonathan changed jobs. And let me just say that for about the past year he has not enjoyed his job and neither have I. It felt like a gap was between us because of all the time he was spending at work and not at home. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful that he has a job, but when he was working 11-12 hours a day Mon-Fri it put a strain in our marriage. I was coming home after work to an empty house day after day and trying to cook, clean, and do yard work so he wouldn't have to worry about any of it after his long days. And I do enjoy being a wife and having the opportunity to do those things, but it put extra stress on me knowing that I was pretty much responsible for it all and had no help. Jonathan never told me he wouldn't help, but I took it upon myself to not burden him anymore than he already was. Plus, he is leading the youth group at church and needs time to get lessons together and plan events. Bottom line was he wasn't happy. So an opportunity came up for him to switch departments at work. The thing is, this same opportunity came up about 7-8 months ago too and he turned it down because it was a significant pay cut. This time we both felt that it was the best option for us, pay cut and all. We prayed about it because at first it was a scary decision. Could we make it month to month on less income? But we both felt at peace about it and for the past 5 weeks he's been happier at this position than I have seen him in a long time. And that makes this little wife happier too!! :) it sounds cliche, but I've definitely learned that money cannot buy happiness, and I would rather be happy than wealthy any day!
"Do not overwork to be rich."  Proverbs 23:4

The second transition that we've experienced since my last post is that we found out our little family will be expanding. I'm pregnant. And overjoyed. And scared. And somedays still in disbelief. And undeserving. Of all the prayers I'd prayed in the past two years, I still had doubt in my heart and was convinced that it would never happen to us. Even on the day we found out, I was sure I wasn't going to be pregnant. How can I, who doubted God's awesome power, be deserving of this gift that I didn't even believe He would give me? I'm truly humbled. I will share more of my pregnancy and this new journey in later posts.

For those of you who are reading this and you are still trying to conceive, and maybe you have been for a while, I pray that the Lord will bless you. God has a plan for you, greater than you can even imagine! And if you let Him, He will carry you through your infertility and give you more joy than you've ever had, with or without children.

"For of Him and through Him and to Him are ALL things, to whom be the glory forever."  Romans 11:36

To Be or Not to Be

Am I or aren't I? Pregnant that is. My period hasn't come yet and I have 3 HPTs sitting in my bathroom, but I'm too scared to test. I just know its going to be negative. Or could it be possible that I might just see the two pinks lines I've been longing for for two years?!? Part of me feels like my body is giving me all the signs of my period, but then I wonder if its just me convincing myself of it and I really am not having symptoms of my period.  A very small part of me is so excited and hopeful,  but I've been crushed so many times that I won't let myself cling to those positive feelings. I know it seems stupid; just take the test Jessica. That's probably what you're thinking. I can't explain the absolute fear that I feel just thinking about taking a test. I'd rather wait a few days and get my period than see another negative.

I don't feel any different though. And my progesterone was low last week. Aren't you supposed to feel different if you are pregnant? Nausea, sore breasts, and all that other stuff? So I can't be pregnant if I don't feel any of those things. Right?!?! I should just suck it up and take the stupid test...but I won't.

Mixed Signals

I went yesterday for a progesterone check. My RE office always calls me back on my cell...except yesterday when I was gone from 8:00-4:00. I didn't even know they had left a message for me at home until an hour after I got home. Since it was Sunday I couldn't call back for any clarification, which I desperately needed.

The nurse said that my progesterone was "suboptimal mid-luteal". What?!?! Of course I googled that and didn't really find anything. My level was actually 9.9 and the nurse stated that the doctor wants it around 15 or at least above 10.  So now I have to take progesterone supplements to make my level more optimal for implantation, or at least that's how I understood it when I called the nurse back today.

But here's what I'm nervous about. Before I even started seeing a specialist, I had my progesterone checked a few times while taking Clomid from my OB. Twice my level was right around 10, just like it was yesterday. Neither of those times before resulted in pregnancy, obviously, so I'm now concerned that it means this IUI didn't work. :/  I did ask the nurse if that's what it meant, because I'd rather just know now instead of waiting around all week only to start my period on Mother's Day. She claims that it does not mean it didn't work. I even asked her about how my other progesterone checks were around the same number, but she said it didn't matter. I guess that got my hopes up a little bit, but I'm still anxious about if the IUI was successful or not.

I don't know what to think. I do know that sitting around worrying about it isn't going to change a thing. I also know that it doesn't matter what my progesterone was, God can work miracles if He so chooses (as I was reminded by a good friend at work today)!
And I know that this has been the most difficult two week wait yet!

IUI

Yesterday we had our IUI done! There's really not much to say about it because it took all of 3 minutes. I knew it wouldn't take long, but I didn't expect it to be that short. I had to go in for blood work at 7:30 and Jonathan had to deliver the goods :). We were in and out in 15 minutes. Last week we went for blood work and it took over 30 minutes, so we were not expecting to have so much time in between the labs and the procedure at 10:30. We decided to go eat breakfast and found a pancake house. It was delicious! As we ate, I noticed a pregnant woman walk in and couldn't help but think that maybe that could be me soon. I want so bad for that to be me soon!!

After we ate it was only 8:45, so we still had much time to kill. Since we wouldn't be attending our church services for being at our appointment, we decided to look around to see if there were any early services at nearby churches. I didn't realize how many churches were in downtown Charlotte! Most of them only had the traditional 11:00 or 10:30 service, which wouldn't work for us. We did find a contemporary church, Elevation, that had a 9:30 service, so we decided to go there and just leave early to get back to REACH by 10:30.  As we found some seats near the back (so we could sneak out without interrupting) I noticed the screen held the sermon series title. I can't remember it exactly, but it was about God's will. Can I just tell you that the days leading up to the IUI I had been praying for God's will to be done through the procedure?! I had even read, on Saturday, in the Bible where Jesus was praying to God to take His cup (His death on the cross) away from Him, but then followed it with "not My will but Yours be done".  I wanted that to be MY prayer too. Even though I don't want to go through infertility and I want the IUI to be successful, I want God's will to be done even more.

I left the doctor's office with a sense of peace and a feeling of joy and excitement. I don't know what the results of this will be, but I know that whatever happens I'll be okay.

Green Light

Full speed ahead! We got the okay from our doctor to proceed with the IUI. My lining was thick, I had one big follicle, and my LH and estrogen levels were good. My sister is coming over in about 30 minutes to give me my Ovidrel shot (I asked her to come and do it since she's a nurse and I hate needles). Then Sunday morning we go for the IUI. I'm so excited!!! But a little nervous too. My coworker asked me how I will know if it worked, and it got me thinking about how nerve wracking this 2 week wait will be. AND how I'm already dreading getting my period or having to endure seeing another negative pregnancy test. Since I've been on birth control since January, that hasn't been a problem. BUT, I'm going to try my best to be positive and believe that this is going to work. I've prayed and asked God for this to allow us to have a child and I know that if it is His will for my life then we'll have success! After all, if I didn't have some amount of hope for success, I wouldn't be going through this process in the first place.

An Update

I went back to the doctor Sunday morning for my monitoring visit, hoping to hear news that we would have the IUI done within the next couple of days. Not so much. :/ My follicles weren't as big as they needed to be and the lining of my uterus wasn't thick enough yet either. The good news the doctor told us was that both of those things, the follicles and the lining, matched up and that apparently my body is just progressing more slowly. 

BUT, apparently with good news come bad news. Well, I guess it's not that bad, but the fact that my doctor told me there was some "bad news" makes me feel worse about it. My LH level was elevated slightly. The doctor said that it wasn't too alarming, but that if it did get too high then we would have to stop treatment for this cycle. Of course that was upsetting, and I kind of wish he wouldn't have even said it! On the other hand, I do appreciate his honesty and him keeping me from having false hope. 

 Tomorrow I will go in for another monitoring appointment to see if my follicles grew. I'm praying for nice, plump eggs!! :)